Opal Covey Admits To Affair With Tiger Woods

South Toledo-
In the midst of the Tiger Woods scandal that has rocked the golf and entire sports world Toledo has was thrown into the mix Monday afternoon. Opal Covey a local woman who has made quite a name for herself over the past few years by running for Mayor has admitted that she too carried on an extensive affair with Tiger Woods. Ms. Covey admitted that back in 2004 she and Eldrick Tont "Tiger" Woods carried on a sexual affair that lasted approximately 4 months.

In 2004 Mr. Woods was embattled with a number of issues, most of all was his rift with Coach Butch Harmon and a change in his swing that was needed to reduce damage to his already surgically repaired knee. All this, along with his lucid affair with Ms. Covey saw him drop to fourth on the PGA Tour money list.

“During our affair Tiger would always ask me to ask god what he should do during a number of tournaments. He was always second guessing his shots and he actually wanted me to be his caddy for awhile but I told him I couldn't because I had to take care of all these cats” said Ms. Covey

The affair allegedly started when during one of her many conversations with God he told Ms. Covey that Tiger needed some help and he (God) had tapped her as the prophet to resurrect Tigers fledgling career

“God would always tell me that he designed Tiger to be the best golfer in the world and of all time and it just wasn’t working out the way he planned. The big guy can get pretty upset when things don’t go his way, so he told me to do whatever it takes to get Tigers head straight”

When asked about the string of women that Tiger has allegedly been with Ms. Covey said:

“I am not like the rest of those cocktails waitress and porn stars, they were doing the work of the Devil, I am doing the work of God”

The Devil was unavailable for comment.

Black Friday

Rossford: “I did it…” exclaimed George Szoevich as he left the Best Buy with his $299 laptop in hand. George was one of the 12 lucky ones that was able to withstand the cold and get one of these Black Friday deals. It came at price for George that can not be measured.

“I missed Thanksgiving dinner with the family and called in sick to "work" (George is a parking lot attendant for the Ted's Hamburger Lot) on Friday just to get it. My family claims they aren't going to talk to me until Christmas but thats fine because I have $299 of porn to look up till then"

When asked how this year compared to last year George said:

"They put out a nice port-a-potty out here and that was a blessing. Last year all I had was a coffee can and a copy of the Blade which as you know is about as thin as single ply and actually it’s a better read after you use it.”

While George considers this a moral victory in his hunt for the best deal possible, fellow linemates disagree.

“That man was annoying as hell, he kept telling us stories about how he was the first one on the east side to get the Air Jordans IV back in 1989, and then he told us how he was the third person to get Tickle Me Elmo a few years ago. I asked how old his kids were and he said he didn’t have any kids which pretty much creeped me out” Said Stephanie Bexley

George spent approximately 38 hours outside in the cold in front of Best Buy which is impressive until you consider that the line did not start forming until 6 hours before the store opened.

Out Of Town Douchebag To Arrive In Town Around 5pm

West Toledo:
James MacRitchie is set to arrive back in Toledo around 5pm this evening, coming from his “totally awesome” loft in downtown Chicago. MacRitchie or J-Mac as he was known in the halls of Ottawa Hills High School has already texted the rest of his douchebag friends and told them to meet him at Arnies at 5:30 because it’s “On like Donkey Kong”

Arnies a favorite hang out of former Ottawa Hills, St. Francis, St. Johns, Northview and Southview students, with a few Whitmer and Start people thrown in for that trashy flavor is preparing for the influx douchebaggery that occurs every year on this night.

“I love working this night” said Ashley Tisdale (24)

“ I totally can’t wait to see all my friends again, ever since High School I have been bouncing around from bar to bar while the rest of my friends went to school and started careers, so we don’t really have much to talk about but since they will be drinking I will be way more interesting” said Monica Sivillon (29)

Adam Markos (34) a local business man is not looking forward to seeing all of his old “friends” from High School.

“I usually see them once or twice throughout out the year at a golf outing here and there but now I’m going to be stuck with them in a bar for god knows how long and it doesn’t matter where I go these guys are everywhere. I’ll be honest though I love running into the broads that were too good for everyone and now they have a kid or two are divorced and way over weight and now no one wants them. That always brings a smile to my face.” said Adam

Stories of High School and how Arnies “used” to be will likely be flowing throughout the night and culminate in the typical late night walk next door to Taco Bell.

Shawnee Nation Set To Take On Raider Nation at BW3’s In Arrowhead Park

Maumee, OH-

An area of land once made famous when an army commanded by Anthony Wayne defeated a force of Shawnees and other tribes in the land now know as Maumee, OH, another battle is brewing. While the original battle took place on wooded land known as Fallen Timbers, this Sunday a battle of epic proportions could possibly once again take place in an area appropriately named Arrowhead Park when the Oakland Raiders take on the Kansas City Chiefs.

Spokesperson for the Shawnee nation, Painted Wolf said:

“Every Sunday we come in here and we see these Raider Nation retards dressed up in their spikey shoulder pads, faces painted, and stupid hats cheering for blood from teams that no one else cares about. Hell, two weeks ago some of our colleagues were in BW’s dressed as Browns fans and these retards were screaming in our faces……..the raiders were playing the freaking San Diego Chargers. There is just no helping these people”

A quick survey of the members of the Shawnee Nation revealed that the majority of them are fans of either the Kansas City Chiefs or the Washington Redskins but there are those that are fans of local teams like the Bengals, Browns and Steelers.

“ There are a few of us that are real Browns fans but some of the others just like to dress up like fans to spy on Raider Nation morons. We all put on our good sweatpants, come to the bar and cheer for every single positive play the Browns make. Sometimes we cheer even if they don’t make a positive play but instead don’t do anything really really bad, it helps us blend in more” Said Lil Black Bear (Aka John)

3 Toledo Bars To Offer Specials To On Duty Police Officers

O'Reiley's Irish Pub, The Clubhouse and Goal Line Sports Cafe will all offer various specials to all on duty Toledo Police Officers who arrive in unifrom and driving their police cruiser.

God Shuts Off Direct Line To Opal Covey

Opal Covey, a recent fixture in Toledo politics and apparently number one on God’s speed dial received a tag on her door today notifying her that her direct line to God has been disconnected. The note was placed some time in the early morning hours of Tuesday and stated

Ms. Covey your line to God has been disconnected, if you need further assistance please dial *666 and ask for Carleton S. Finkbeiner

Ms. Covey has proclaimed in the last two mayoral elections that she had spoken to God and he was directing her to run for Mayor and would inform her on what needs to be done to improve the city of Toledo.

God was unavailable for comment but Heaven Spokesaint St. Peter said:

“ This has just gotten out of hand, normally we don’t mind when people invoke Gods name for their own personal use but when someone like this freak show is calling everyday all day we just have to draw the line somewhere. We are still working on Peace in the Middle East, trying to roll out this H1N1 thing, and we still have at least 3 more earthquakes and 7 other tsunami’s that we have to get to. Myself, God and Jesus all sat down and talked about this and we feel we just need to give her sometime to cool off and get as close to reality as she can and we might re connect the line in the future. Our plate is full with Toledo, OH and in this economy we have to make cuts like everyone else”.

Konop To Run For Class President

West Toledo:

Ben Konop who at the start of this years Mayoral Campaign season pledged to “take his ball and go home” if not elected has apparently filed his petition with the Start High School Student Council to run for Class President.

“I was pretty shocked when I got called to the office, I never get called to the office” said Student Council VP Tricia Abberson.

“ I was even more shocked to find Mr. Konop standing there waiting for me, and then when he told me he wanted to run for our class president I was just astounded. When he first told me I didn’t really hear him because I was too focused on why he was squinting so hard like he was staring into the sun or something. Then once I heard he repeat himself I knew it was for real” said Ms. Abberson

A review of the Roy C. Start High School Student Council bylaws clearly states that all candidates must be a student at the school at the start of the school year. However, after a quick 5-2 vote and the customary gang “beat in”, Mr. Konop was given the honor of Honorary Spartan.

“ Well I won the Commissioners seat on my aunt Sandy’s name and I obviously bit off more than I can chew with running for Mayor and I’m humble enough to know where my shortcomings are that I decided I should take a step back and really find myself down here in the “minor leagues” of politics.

During Mr. Konop’s first speech as a class president candidate he promised 4 square tournaments every Wednesday and Dodge ball every Thursday. On Fridays Mr. Konop promised to introduce a new game to the Start students called “Where’s the crack dealer” similar to the popular books “Where’s Waldo” this would be a live version where students would win by simply finding the crack dealer in their school.

According to Mr. Konop all of these games have real world applications which he promises to introduce to the citizens of Toledo the next time he runs for Mayor.

“I barely beat Opal Covey this last time around so I have to bring it strong the next time around” said Mr. Konop

Walleye Opening Day Poll

Downtown Toledo:

We did it for opening day at 5/3 Field and we did it again for the Toledo Walleye Home Opener on Friday.

We sent Reg Hanson down to the arena to take a poll on what people thought of the new Lucas County Arena.

9% - Thought that the Storm jerseys looked different
6% - Was their first time over the bridge since July 4th
11% - Thought that the Sports Arena looked great
13% - Asked us if this is part of the Marina Project
8% - Were glad to see Ben Konop taking tickets at the front door
3% - Saw Scout in the mayor’s car
15% - Voted for Opal
6% - Were so intoxicated that they signed our petition (we didn’t have one)
4% - Asked about Toledo Onion home delivery
8% - Wanted to know where Dukes the dog was
7% - Still had walleye stuffed in pants because they were in the bathroom for the first goal
10% - Felt safe but were willing to take candy from strangers (we had candy)

Route 66 Shooters Trained On Nintendo

Toledo, OH:

Thanks to the video taken inside the Route 66 Bar & Grill splashed all over local and national media along with over 100,000 hits on Youtube the perpetrators of the shooting have been caught. James “lil dog” Johnson, Michael “Cherrio” Washington, Randal “Ray Ray” Dawson and Orlando “weezy” Tompkins were all apprehended. Police say they found the suspects in a house on Ontario St on Toledo’s North End.

Sgt. Michael Hutchinson said:
“After our tip line was flooded with the street names of the suspects we talked to some of our informants on the streets and all tips led us to this house. Upon entering the house we found the suspects playing the popular video game Duck Hunt on the original Nintendo gaming system. We came in with weapons drawn but the suspects did not put up a fight. Suspects Johnson, Washington and Dawson immediately put down their 40 oz bottles of King Cobra and laid on their stomachs with their arms outstretched. Suspect Tompkins exclaimed

“Hold on brotha I’m in clay pigeon mode” before our officers wrestled him to the ground”.

According to police reports all suspects claimed to have taken all of their firearm training from the popular video game which most likely was the reason they did not even come close to striking their targets in the Route 66 shootout.

“Man I didn’t even know it was dat hard to shoot a real gun, they are really heavy compared to my NES Zapper, I was surprised. During the whole thing all I could picture was that little dog that pops up and laughs at me when I miss the ducks. To be honest man I didn’t even know why I was shootin or who I was shootin I was just picturing dat damn dog”, said Washington.

Police are still looking for one more suspect that was located inside Route 66, tips say 23 year old Nathaniel “Bang Bang Miss” Grobson is a big fan of Buck Hunter.

Blarney Refugee Camp

With the recent news of Tsunami's and Earthquakes the Blarney Irish Pub has apparently set up a refugee shelter on their patio.

Diehard Ford Owner Refuses Help From Dodge Driver

Richard Wilkins (42) was traveling west bound on Airport Highway in his 2002 Ford F-150 this afternoon when he apparently dropped his chewing tobacco spitter on the floor, lost control and hit a guard rail. Jeff Kazmaier (28) a Dodge Ram owner was also traveling west bound four cars behind Mr. Wilkins when the accident occurred.

“I saw him swerve into the guard rail and spin around towards on coming traffic so I pulled over and jumped out to help. When I got to the truck he had a huge cut on his head and was bleeding very bad”

Upon wiping the blood from his eyes Mr. Wilkins asked Mr. Kazamaier if that’s was his Dodge Ram. After Mr. Kazamaier assured him it was Mr. Wilkins stated.
“I don’t need no help from some god damn dodge owner”

“I saw the sticker of Calvin urinating on the Dodge logo when he passed me around Holloway Rd but I thought that was just a joke” said Kazamaier

Mr. Wilkins was removed from the truck with the help of State Highway patrolmen and was taken by ambulance to the UT Medical Center.

Upon further inspection of the truck Mr. Wilkins apparently did not want help from not only Dodge owners but also, his ex-wife, President Obama, Jeff Gordon Fans, Terrorist or Microsoft which were all represented by the stickers on his back window.

Troopers said the truck was totaled and the only thing to survive the crash were the “truck nuts” attached to Mr. Wilkins trailer hitch.

Konop Making His Last Push

Ben Konop is still working hard to get every last vote he can to put himself into one of the 2 top spots to be the next mayor of this great city. Like many of the candidates Mr. Konop is spending his day going door to door making sure people are getting out to vote. However, some interesting situations have arisen during this clutch time of the election.

“I got him to clean up the dog poop in my yard if I promised to vote for him.” Becky DeFoe of East Toledo said.

Other errands have included returning the Waldorf’s Tupperware from the University of Toledo tailgate this past weekend for Michelle Malsby and getting a cup of sugar for Mrs. Palicki because she needed it to finish her famous snicker doodles.

“He’s a man of the people” Mrs. Palicki stated “but if he don't get back here pretty soon with that sugar Opal is getting my vote next week.” Upon being informed that the primary election was today she replied

“That’s too bad I have plans this afternoon. I will let him know when he comes back. Does that mean I have to pay him now?”

With his eyes squinted as if he was staring directly at the sun Mr. Konop said.

"I have full faith and trust in the people of Toledo to do what's right and to vote for me. I have spent many hours on Facebook late at night after the bars, making stupid youtube videos, disrespecting the American flag and going door to door this campaign and I know it will pay off. Plus my mom just took me school shopping for new clothes so even if I don't win I still have a bunch of new clothes, which is waaaaay cool".

Make sure to get out there and vote once or twice today!

Remember: “If you don’t vote… you can’t bitch”

Former Toledo Storm Fans Gearing Up For Walleye Hockey Season

October 16th and the start of the 2009/2010 Toledo Walleye Hockey Season are just around the corner. While crews put the finishing touches on The Lucas County Arena (aka Ben Konop Arena) and the team signs players from around North America, Toledo fans are anxiously awaiting the first drop of the puck.

Michael Krepps, James Coughlin, Jack “Big Daddy” Williams and Becky Snyder are ready for the upcoming Toledo Walleye season to start but being longtime Toledo Storm fans they have their concerns. After sitting together for the past 14 years at the Toledo Sports Arena and drinking stale beer out of wax cups they are worried the new arena won’t feel like home.

There are plenty of memories between these guys.

“I got engaged in those seats… twice” says Michael Krepps.

“ We are worried the troughs (that’s urinal in East Side Slang) aren’t gonna drip on the floor anymore and I wonder if the ladies will still walk in the guys bathrooms on busy nights.” Said James Coughlin

“hey I wonder if they are going to burn the popcorn so as soon as you walk in the door so the smell hits you in the face, ” said Big Daddy

“ I miss the old Goal Digger and Storm days when the cloud of smoke from the whole building smoking would hang ten feet off the ice. One year I had season tickets in section 106 in the second to last row and by the middle of the second period you could barely see the ice. I’ve spent many nights in the Thunderdome lounge and got really drunk but luckily there was always at least one guy (sometimes two or three) who offered to take me home every time” said Becky Snyder

When asked what their chief concern was when coming over the bridge, these four eastsiders replied. “the toll”.

Hooters Waitress Demoted to Thursday Lunch Shift

West Toledo- Last Tuesday Kimmi Buckholter a server at Hooters on Monroe St was demoted to the Thursday lunch shift after dropping a tray of wings on the “Game Over-Mikes Bachelor Party” last weekend. The sudden move came as a shock to the rest of the weekend night shift servers also known as The Varsity Team.

Store Manager Brian McKenna said “Kimmi was one of my most solid servers throughout the summer and in the last couple of weeks she has just not had the passion that everyone knows I demand of my varsity team. Her hula hoop skills are lacking and her ability to sit down at a table full of guys and make them think she is interested in them is just not there anymore”

Kimmi (21) has been working at Hooters since the summer of 2006 when she turned 18 and came on as the greeter/hostess in the white polo. Through hard work and dedication she quickly earned her orange shorts, puffy socks, and tight white Hooters shirt and was the star server under previous manager Mike Collins. As with any good team a change in leadership can always disrupt team chemistry and Kimmi was no exception.

“Like from day one I totally didn’t get along with Brian, he is like always on my about singing the birthday song, I totally bang the plates together louder than any of these bitches here. I was like totally the rock star when Mike was here” said Kimmi

Overall the quality at the local hooters has gone severely down hill and as a whole the store has been dropped from Division II to Division IIAA among Hooters restaurants across the country.

“I came from a Division I store in Buffalo and I was brought her to hire hot dumb girls who can hula hoop, sing, and make every horny guy think he has a chance and bring this store up to Division I status and I cannot do that with girls like Kimmi. Sometimes you just need to shake things up a bit, hopefully this will let the rest of the girls know I mean business and I’m here to win” said Brian

Toledo Announces 6 More Rib Events This Summer

Downtown Toledo-

Some things are good in bunches; flowers, cookies, hugs, etc. In Toledo we believe that also applies to Rib Events. Northwest, Oh has been providing Ohioans and Michiganders with top notch ribs from around the country and bands on the back 9 of their careers for many years. A couple of years ago the NW Ohio Rib Off split along with it’s sponsors for the friendly yet character free confines of the Lucas County Rec Center. With the demise of Citifest and the cajones of Columbia Gas to step up and support The Red Cross and Smoke on the Water the Toledo area is now blessed with two Rib Events on consecutive weekends.

Packed with local and national restaurants specializing in their own unique rib recipes, beer provided by local distributors and entertainment provided by washed up bands that were moderately good 15- 30 years ago these events are a summertime staple. Like Christmas and fishing for cat fish in the Maumee River these rib events are the highlight of most trailer park summers. County and City officials have agreed to collaborate and hold a rib event every weekend for the remainder of the summer.

The Northwest Ohio Rib Off – Lucas County Rec Center 08/07 – 08/09
Foreigner

Ribs ‘R Us to benefit Larry Dillin– The One road that makes up the Marina District – 08/15 & 08/16
Air Supply

Give Scout a Bone to benefit Carty’s Retirement Fund– Cartys Office One Government Center. **Free Showers for the first 50 people through the gates** 08/22 & 08/23
Night Ranger

Blue BQ to bring back the Toledo Police – East Toledo 08/29 & 08/30
The Gap Band

Wall – E – Que to benefit the payoff of the new Lucas County Arena- at the new Arena 09/05 & 09/06
Oingo Boingo & Eurythmics

Boo Ben-Rib-a- Looza-to benefit the stoner guy who booed Konop- Bens Condo – 09/12 & 09/13
The Outfield & The Dream Academy

Final rib Event of Summer:

Take Back the Ribs-to benefit the Carty recall effort– Erie Street Market – 09/19 & 09/20
Nena