Diehard Ford Owner Refuses Help From Dodge Driver

Richard Wilkins (42) was traveling west bound on Airport Highway in his 2002 Ford F-150 this afternoon when he apparently dropped his chewing tobacco spitter on the floor, lost control and hit a guard rail. Jeff Kazmaier (28) a Dodge Ram owner was also traveling west bound four cars behind Mr. Wilkins when the accident occurred.

“I saw him swerve into the guard rail and spin around towards on coming traffic so I pulled over and jumped out to help. When I got to the truck he had a huge cut on his head and was bleeding very bad”

Upon wiping the blood from his eyes Mr. Wilkins asked Mr. Kazamaier if that’s was his Dodge Ram. After Mr. Kazamaier assured him it was Mr. Wilkins stated.
“I don’t need no help from some god damn dodge owner”

“I saw the sticker of Calvin urinating on the Dodge logo when he passed me around Holloway Rd but I thought that was just a joke” said Kazamaier

Mr. Wilkins was removed from the truck with the help of State Highway patrolmen and was taken by ambulance to the UT Medical Center.

Upon further inspection of the truck Mr. Wilkins apparently did not want help from not only Dodge owners but also, his ex-wife, President Obama, Jeff Gordon Fans, Terrorist or Microsoft which were all represented by the stickers on his back window.

Troopers said the truck was totaled and the only thing to survive the crash were the “truck nuts” attached to Mr. Wilkins trailer hitch.

Konop Making His Last Push

Ben Konop is still working hard to get every last vote he can to put himself into one of the 2 top spots to be the next mayor of this great city. Like many of the candidates Mr. Konop is spending his day going door to door making sure people are getting out to vote. However, some interesting situations have arisen during this clutch time of the election.

“I got him to clean up the dog poop in my yard if I promised to vote for him.” Becky DeFoe of East Toledo said.

Other errands have included returning the Waldorf’s Tupperware from the University of Toledo tailgate this past weekend for Michelle Malsby and getting a cup of sugar for Mrs. Palicki because she needed it to finish her famous snicker doodles.

“He’s a man of the people” Mrs. Palicki stated “but if he don't get back here pretty soon with that sugar Opal is getting my vote next week.” Upon being informed that the primary election was today she replied

“That’s too bad I have plans this afternoon. I will let him know when he comes back. Does that mean I have to pay him now?”

With his eyes squinted as if he was staring directly at the sun Mr. Konop said.

"I have full faith and trust in the people of Toledo to do what's right and to vote for me. I have spent many hours on Facebook late at night after the bars, making stupid youtube videos, disrespecting the American flag and going door to door this campaign and I know it will pay off. Plus my mom just took me school shopping for new clothes so even if I don't win I still have a bunch of new clothes, which is waaaaay cool".

Make sure to get out there and vote once or twice today!

Remember: “If you don’t vote… you can’t bitch”

Former Toledo Storm Fans Gearing Up For Walleye Hockey Season

October 16th and the start of the 2009/2010 Toledo Walleye Hockey Season are just around the corner. While crews put the finishing touches on The Lucas County Arena (aka Ben Konop Arena) and the team signs players from around North America, Toledo fans are anxiously awaiting the first drop of the puck.

Michael Krepps, James Coughlin, Jack “Big Daddy” Williams and Becky Snyder are ready for the upcoming Toledo Walleye season to start but being longtime Toledo Storm fans they have their concerns. After sitting together for the past 14 years at the Toledo Sports Arena and drinking stale beer out of wax cups they are worried the new arena won’t feel like home.

There are plenty of memories between these guys.

“I got engaged in those seats… twice” says Michael Krepps.

“ We are worried the troughs (that’s urinal in East Side Slang) aren’t gonna drip on the floor anymore and I wonder if the ladies will still walk in the guys bathrooms on busy nights.” Said James Coughlin

“hey I wonder if they are going to burn the popcorn so as soon as you walk in the door so the smell hits you in the face, ” said Big Daddy

“ I miss the old Goal Digger and Storm days when the cloud of smoke from the whole building smoking would hang ten feet off the ice. One year I had season tickets in section 106 in the second to last row and by the middle of the second period you could barely see the ice. I’ve spent many nights in the Thunderdome lounge and got really drunk but luckily there was always at least one guy (sometimes two or three) who offered to take me home every time” said Becky Snyder

When asked what their chief concern was when coming over the bridge, these four eastsiders replied. “the toll”.

Hooters Waitress Demoted to Thursday Lunch Shift

West Toledo- Last Tuesday Kimmi Buckholter a server at Hooters on Monroe St was demoted to the Thursday lunch shift after dropping a tray of wings on the “Game Over-Mikes Bachelor Party” last weekend. The sudden move came as a shock to the rest of the weekend night shift servers also known as The Varsity Team.

Store Manager Brian McKenna said “Kimmi was one of my most solid servers throughout the summer and in the last couple of weeks she has just not had the passion that everyone knows I demand of my varsity team. Her hula hoop skills are lacking and her ability to sit down at a table full of guys and make them think she is interested in them is just not there anymore”

Kimmi (21) has been working at Hooters since the summer of 2006 when she turned 18 and came on as the greeter/hostess in the white polo. Through hard work and dedication she quickly earned her orange shorts, puffy socks, and tight white Hooters shirt and was the star server under previous manager Mike Collins. As with any good team a change in leadership can always disrupt team chemistry and Kimmi was no exception.

“Like from day one I totally didn’t get along with Brian, he is like always on my about singing the birthday song, I totally bang the plates together louder than any of these bitches here. I was like totally the rock star when Mike was here” said Kimmi

Overall the quality at the local hooters has gone severely down hill and as a whole the store has been dropped from Division II to Division IIAA among Hooters restaurants across the country.

“I came from a Division I store in Buffalo and I was brought her to hire hot dumb girls who can hula hoop, sing, and make every horny guy think he has a chance and bring this store up to Division I status and I cannot do that with girls like Kimmi. Sometimes you just need to shake things up a bit, hopefully this will let the rest of the girls know I mean business and I’m here to win” said Brian

Toledo Announces 6 More Rib Events This Summer

Downtown Toledo-

Some things are good in bunches; flowers, cookies, hugs, etc. In Toledo we believe that also applies to Rib Events. Northwest, Oh has been providing Ohioans and Michiganders with top notch ribs from around the country and bands on the back 9 of their careers for many years. A couple of years ago the NW Ohio Rib Off split along with it’s sponsors for the friendly yet character free confines of the Lucas County Rec Center. With the demise of Citifest and the cajones of Columbia Gas to step up and support The Red Cross and Smoke on the Water the Toledo area is now blessed with two Rib Events on consecutive weekends.

Packed with local and national restaurants specializing in their own unique rib recipes, beer provided by local distributors and entertainment provided by washed up bands that were moderately good 15- 30 years ago these events are a summertime staple. Like Christmas and fishing for cat fish in the Maumee River these rib events are the highlight of most trailer park summers. County and City officials have agreed to collaborate and hold a rib event every weekend for the remainder of the summer.

The Northwest Ohio Rib Off – Lucas County Rec Center 08/07 – 08/09
Foreigner

Ribs ‘R Us to benefit Larry Dillin– The One road that makes up the Marina District – 08/15 & 08/16
Air Supply

Give Scout a Bone to benefit Carty’s Retirement Fund– Cartys Office One Government Center. **Free Showers for the first 50 people through the gates** 08/22 & 08/23
Night Ranger

Blue BQ to bring back the Toledo Police – East Toledo 08/29 & 08/30
The Gap Band

Wall – E – Que to benefit the payoff of the new Lucas County Arena- at the new Arena 09/05 & 09/06
Oingo Boingo & Eurythmics

Boo Ben-Rib-a- Looza-to benefit the stoner guy who booed Konop- Bens Condo – 09/12 & 09/13
The Outfield & The Dream Academy

Final rib Event of Summer:

Take Back the Ribs-to benefit the Carty recall effort– Erie Street Market – 09/19 & 09/20
Nena

Quick News:

Mike Hessman, first baseman for the Toledo Mud Hens is allowed to hold Dusty Ryans' Tigers hat while Ryan takes a leak. After 4 years with the Mud Hens and a declining batting average this may be the closest Hessman ever gets to the MLB.

Onion Exclusive: Dukes The Dog on Spike

by Reg Hanson

Downtown Toledo:

On Monday the Toledo Walleye announced the first member of the new organization, “Spike”, the lovable and highly marketable mascot of Toledo’s newest professional sports team. Spikes first appearance to the Toledo faithful happened Monday during the Hens noon game against Scranton/ Willkes Barre and will continue through the remainder of the Hens season.

People had mixed emotions as the fish scampered about with Muddy and Mudonna. While most were very supportive of the newest face of Toledo sports there were those that had their doubts. One had a very strong opinion on this matter, the old Toledo Storm Mascot “Dukes” the dog.

We caught up with the K-9 working the afternoon shift at Chuck E. Cheese. I sat down with him to get his opinion on Spike and other hot topics here in Toledo:

Reg: You saw the mascot (Spike) what did you think?
Dukes: Well at first I thought I didn’t know what was going on. It looked like just another fish with a bike helmet on like he rode the short bus to the game, but then when he was dancing around with Muddy and Mudoona reality kicked. I’ll be honest, it hurt a bit

Reg: Were you interviewed for the position?
Dukes: Yes, but it was more of a formality. Naps (Joe Napoli) and I sat down to talk one day over a Muddy burger on Opening Day. He thought if I was in a fishing outfit I may have a chance but after we talked more the smell of a wet dog wasn’t really appealing to the fans, I mean at the Sports Arena it would have been fine, hell I probably would have smelled better than half the fans but I never got a call back.

Reg: Do you feel betrayed?
Dukes: After 10 years with the Storm I felt I deserved a chance but it’s a tough job market right now and they had to do what they felt was right.

Reg: Do you think it was because of “the incident” at the Sports Arena?
Dukes: I knew you would go there Hanson, for the last time I thought it was water not vodka. One time I lift my leg in public and that is all anyone remembers. I paid my fine and the city got their $80. Let it go…

Reg: Off topic who for mayor and why?
Dukes: I think Bell has a great shot but don’t under estimate Opal. With an amusement park downtown maybe I could get some work.

Reg: Did you know that Spike is from Windsor, Canada
Dukes: Really? I thought some East Sider fishing underneath the High Level bridge plucked him out one day, well that’s just another example of how good Americans are being put out of work. What’s next? A dancing Jalapeno on skates from Mexico?

Reg: What’s next for Dukes, birthday parties or is here the final stop on this crazy ride?
Dukes: Well I heard about the Arena Football Team and have been eating flies and stretching my tongue so I think I may have a chance (attempts to make Bull Frog noise… I think).

Dukes then was taken down by 4 seven year olds who demand that he dance for them. They kicked and punched him pretty hard several times but he got up and danced for them.

His outfit was a worn and a bit pungent, but I could see he still had in him. If Spike does not look out Dukes could be first in line to replace him. Perhaps when the puck drops October 18th the Toledo Onion should start a petition to bring Dukes back. It may be just crazy enough to work. Maybe I will have those guys for Take Back Toledo help me with the form…

Toledo Ice Basketball Season Tickets Hit All Time High

Downtown Toledo – The Toledo Ice, Toledo's Semi Pro Basketball team sent out an email today announcing season tickets were on sale for the upcoming season. Along with the message was the schedule for the upcoming season. The slogan for the team this year “Not just a pick up game” was met with mixed response. Here is a copy of the email:

Dear Season Ticket Holder:

The Toledo Ice is excited to announce that season ticket packages for the upcoming season have doubled. We have gone from 6 season ticket holders to 12. Our sponsor for this season will be Allison’s Lemonade Stand and we are proud that the Waldorf Garage Sale will be back also.

This is an exciting year for the Ice. We will have a new home court this year, we will NOT be at the new arena but in the Robinson’s backyard where they just put up a new rim and backboard this week. Here is the upcoming schedule and the games are weather permitting. Thank you for your patronage and your $8.00 is due by the end of the month or whenever you can get it to us.

Sept. 5 – vs. IHOP presents the Fort Wayne Waterfalls at Robinson’s Backyard Arena
Sept. 12 - at Dayton Rolled Up Newspapers (playing at Dave’s House)
Sept. 19 – Open (if you got 4 or 5 guys/girls call us)
Sept.26 – at Toledo Christ the King 8th grade boys at CK Arena (please bring a can good for the players night)
Oct. 3 – at Akron Red Bulls (playing at that one park with the picnic tables)
Oct 10 – at Youngstown Labradors (playing at Jimmy’s step dad’s)
Oct. 17 – vs. Monroe Dodge Salesman at Robinson’s Backyard Arena

Toledo Ice Basketball “Not Just a Pick Up Game!”

The Ice did not give an address but said if they know anyone who may be interested to let them know tickets are on sale now…

Basement Containing NBC 24 Studios Found

South Toledo-

Confirming long standing suspicion that NBC 24 is not a real news cast FCC investigators found the basement containing the sub par studios today. FCC crews arrived at a house located at 2345 Byrne Road at 1:30 pm this afternoon to find the “news” staff preparing for their 6pm news cast. FCC spokesman Chris DeWitt said:

“Upon entering the house we found four “staff” members huddled around a stack of milk crates with a sign that read “Bullpen” taped to the side. Norm Van Ness was found throwing darts at a board with pictures of a sun, rain, clouds and snow. Jim Tichey was finishing the scores for the Toledo Goal Diggers vs Flint Generals game in 1973. Station Manager Brian Coswell was found watching tapes of elementary kids giving the morning announcements and proclaimed he was looking for Toledo’s next star to anchor the 6pm newscast”

Shortly after FCC officials arrived Michael Schlesinger’s mom ordered the entire news team and research staff upstairs to wash their hands before dinner.

NBC 24 has long been the forgotten child of the Northwest Ohio news scene, always trailing their major competitors at WTVG and WTOL led to the decision to add two more newscast at 7:00 pm and 7:30 pm. Attempting to blaze a new trail in Toledo news coverage NBC 24 officials believe that viewers will turn from Everybody Loves Raymond and King of Queens re-runs to watch news that was already covered on channels 11 and 13 between 5:00pm and 6:30 pm.

Mikah Smith one of NBC 24’s thirteen views said

“I live 3 doors down from the house and before this digital cable change over NBC 24 was the only station I could get on my rabbit ears so I had to watch, I’ll admit I do miss Blizzard Bill Spencer, no one could deliver a weather forecast wrong 95% of the time like Ol’ Blizzard Bill”

Water Line Break Suspect Caught On Camera

Early Monday morning a water line break on St. Clair Street shut down traffic as well as the sprinkler system for the Edison Plaza. A surveillance camera on the back of HCR Manor Care has captured the image of the suspect walking away after severing the water line. Toledo Police say the suspect has been identified as 22 year old Michael Way an employee of Mojoe’s.

Mojoe’s, a coffee and sandwich shop located just inside the St. Clair entrance of Edison Plaza serves Seattle’s Best coffee along with assorted sandwiches, soups, snacks and refreshments to Edison Plaza employees

Mr. Way was reportedly upset with Mojoe’s management and attempted to sever the water line in order to shut down the coffee shop for the day. Sources inside Mojoe’s say Mr. Way was fed up with the way owner Ed Beczynski was forcing him to work early hours during the summer months. Mr. Way is quoted as saying:

“ He thinks I am one of those god damn foreigners that he has working over at the Blarney, I’m not from the Russia or wherever that guy with the weird accent is from, I have softball on Sunday nights and he knows that and he still wants me here at 5:00am brewing his damn coffee for him”

Mr. Way was also reportedly upset with the way Blarney employees are treated far better than Mojoe’s. Mr. Way was often heard complaining that Mojoe’s employees were treated like step children in the “Eddie B” corporation.

Mr. Way has still not been located, repeated calls to his West Toledo home have gone unanswered and Toledo Police are still busy answering calls from the weekend to follow up.

Homeless Population Leaving Toledo For Suburbs

Toledo, OH-

A recent study shows that the City of Toledo’s homeless population has dropped by 27% in the past 3 months and comes on the heels of a new U.S. Census Bureau study that shows the City of Toledo has lost 2,413 residents or 0.8% of it’s population between July 1, 2007 and July 1, 2008 City officials, led by Mayor Carty Finkbeiner were quick to defend Toledo’s drop in population as merely the fruits of the administration efforts to rid the city of homeless people.

In August of 2007 Mayor Carty Finkbeiner instituted a double secret plan to make Toledo as unattractive to homeless people as possible thereby forcing them to follow the rest of Toledo’s residents to the suburbs.

“My plan worked, we have successfully eradicated approximately 21 homeless people from the streets of Toledo” said Mayor Finkbeiner.

Details of the "double secret" plan have been held very secret but sources inside One Government Center say a decrease in safety, roadblocks for economic development, and anything else that could bring the morale of the city to its lowest point in years were all part of the master plan.

When asked about the other 2,392 people that have left the city Mayor Finkbeiner said:
“You have to take the good with the bad, those 2,392 people that also left were probably losers anyways, and I hope all those homeless people went to Swanton or any of the other surrounding areas that are always bitching about our water supply contracts”

A decrease in population has significant effects of the City of Toledo when it comes to attracting new business and receiving federal grants from HUD and other federal agencies.

“ I could care less what happens with federal grants or new businesses, my goal for the next few months is to drive Toledo as far down as I can and to let the next guy deal with cleaning up my mess.” Said Mayor Finkbeiner

Delaneys Lounge To Add 6 More Causes/Petitions This Summer

Toledo,OH-

Delaneys Lounge on Alexis Road has announced plans to support and organize six new causes for the upcoming summer season. Jim Delaney who has never met a petition he didn’t like has released the names of causes that he and his committee have decided to support between June and September of 2009. Ban Red Light Cameras, Save The Pandas, Smokers For Kids, Karaoke Reform, Recall Jack Ford, and most recently has taken up the cause of overthrowing the current government in Iran.

Mr. Delaney who has long been seen as a community activist that stands up for the rights of the little guy says he and his team believe these are the causes most important to Toledoans this summer.
” After the team sat down over three cartons of Marlboro Red’s we came up with this list that we think will really impact and drive Toledo this summer, these damn politicians don’t have a clue what is going on and we intend to bring these issues to the forefront and force these morons to face the music” said Delaney

When asked about the committee’s recent decision to support the protesters in Iran Mr. Delaney said

“ Well our damn President sure as hell ain’t gonna say nothing and we feel that the support those Iranians feel from North Toledo will give them the strength to overthrow that Supreme Leader dickhead”

Mr. Delaney’s Committee consists of five members. Tom Watkins- the guy who always sings Journey, Jeff Grabson- the creepy guy at the end of the bar in the cowboy hat, Michael “Sharkey” Dura- resident pool shark, Lynn Payment- bartender and Daniel “Danny Boy” Danielson- former millionaire until he lost everything to the smoking ban even though he has never owned a bar.

When asked what made him qualified as a community activist Mr. Delaney said
“Anyone can be a community activist and I believe I have an advantage because who is better equipped to identify the needs of the community than someone who sits in a dark and smoky bar 24/7, I hear it all from my customers, most have been coming in here everyday for the last 28 years, they really have the pulse of the community”.

Area Teen Breaks Up With Girlfriend Via Facebook

Sylvania, OH-

In breaking news Chris Mathews a Sophmore at Southview High School has apparently broken up with Jessica Detaon via facebook. Sources close to the couple say that at approximately 11:45pm on Tuesday night Mr. Mathews changed his relationship status to “Single”. This sent shockwaves through the couples 36 mutual friends. Immediatley comments flooded both parties pages. Many expressions of sympathy were sent out to Ms. Detaon while Mr. Mathews was reportedly threatened by the whole JV Cheer Leading Squad.

When reached for comment Mr. Mathews said

“ I don’t see what the big deal is, I mean I never see her much during the summer anyways, I’m usually at the cottage on Devils Lake and she is always hanging around with those wannabe cheerleaders, I mean they aren’t even Varsity for christ sakes, they are one level above Flag Corps”

Ms. Detaon could not be reached for comment but this is reportedly the “End of the world”

Last Remaining Storm Fan Found

Toledo, OH-

On the site of the future Marina District crews have found a bunker containing the last remaining Toledo Storm fan. East Toledoan Jim Bradford was found late Wednesday afternoon. Crews discovered Mr. Bradford while digging sewer lines on the site of the former Toledo Sports Arena.

Mr. Bradford a lifelong Toledo hockey fan built his bunker over a period of 3 months following the last Toledo Storm home game in April of 2007.

“After the game I was in the River Dome Lounge and I had to take a leak, when I came out of the bathroom all the lights were off and everyone was gone. I tried to get out but they had the doors chained shut.” Said Mr. Bradford

City of Toledo officials in conjunction with developer Larry Dillon have had the vision of Toledo’s Marina District for over 10 years now and at its current stage completion is slated for November of 2085. Mayor Carty Finkbeiner insisted the best thing for the city of Toledo was to tear down the Sports Arena to make way for a long standing pile of dirt and rubble which has now been turned into a gorgeous road going through an empty undeveloped field.

Upon realizing he had been locked into the Sports Arena and that no one was coming back Mr. Bradford helped himself to some leftover popcorn and had another beer.

“Once I realized I was locked in I thought what the hell, there is no where else I’d rather die than the Toledo Sports Arena”

Mr. Bradford, clad in his one size too small Storm jersey with matching yellow pit stains and the very common mustard and beer stain at the waist line, spent 3 years building his bunker underneath what engineers have determined would have been section 102.

“I just went around and gathered all the beer, popcorn, hot dogs, and Marcos pizzas I could find. I was actually doing really well down here until y’all had to come dig me up. I prolly had another 15 years worth of beer down there and at least 8 years of food left. Although the pizza was starting to get old”

Receipts recovered at the site show the Toledo Sports Arena had not purchased a keg of beer since the Turner Cup Championship year of 1983. Local scientist say all the beer served in the last 24 years at the Sports Arena had been fermenting in the basement and would explain why after two 64oz beers most fans were intoxicated beyond the point of coherent sentences and shed all regard of personal hygiene by the middle of the second period.

Upon extraditing Mr. Bradford officials informed him of the construction of the new Arena across the river on Huron St in downtown Toledo. A visibly upset Mr. Bradford was very disappointed to hear that the East Side has lost Toledo hockey and vowed to never attend another Storm game. Mr. Bradford was informed that Toledo’s newest hockey team would go by the Walleye.

“Really? The Walleye? Hell I love fishing, I’ll go but I aint buying no jersey, I’m just gonna wear my Amp Dale Jr. hat, shirt, and jacket and take my cowbell” he said

Toledo Mayor To Meet Mikey By The Flag Pole at 3:00 PM

Toledo, OH- Due to the recent release of a Youtube video in which Toledo Mayor Carty Finkbeiner is seeing calling a young man “Fatso” and “Fat Ass” a challenge was thrown down today by 15 year old Mikey Cochran after 3rd period English.

“At first I was going to let it slide but since Dante put the video online and the whole city has seen I have to keep my rep, so I passed a note to Becky Michaels, she passed it to Jessica DeSilivio, she dropped it in John Cooper’s locker and now it’s on”

Reports indicate the note challenged Mayor Finkbeiner to a fight by the flag pole of Libbey High School on Friday at 3:00pm.

“I have no worries about this young man, I mean I already stopped him from getting his fat ass beat once, I think I can take him, after all I am the Mayor. I have faced Marines, I called Mike Bell King Kong, I can take one overweight high school kid”

Reports inside One Government Center indicate Mayor Finkbeiner has issued an executive order for all employees to leave their coffee mugs on the 22nd floor by end of business today. Mayor Finkbeiner has a long history of using coffee mugs as weapons during verbal and physical altercations, as evident years ago during a disagreement with Erie Street Market vendor.

According to Toledo Public Schools Superintendent John Farley, Mayor Finkbeiner has tried to push the closing of Libbey High School up to noon this Friday in order to avoid the challenge of Mr. Cochran