Quick News: Ben Konop Announces He Will Not Seek Re-Election

In a Related Story: Poll Shows Belief In God Is Up 75%

Toledo Garbage Schedule And Bins Cause Problems

West Toledo:

There are many issues in day to day life that cause people to act in an irrational manner; religion, politics and of course the garbage pick up schedule in the City Of Toledo. In the past few weeks, more and more oversized garbage and recycling bins have been appearing in neighborhoods.
“This isn’t going to solve the budget problem” said Phil McVickers of Burton Street in West Toledo.
“I bought garbage cans and now the city buys garbage cans, you want to tell them I bought Beer last night too? Ive already killed this case just trying to figure when I need to lug these huge fuckers to the curb”.

While the new cans and trucks are the source of some debate they are not the real problem. The real problem is nobody seems to know the schedule. The City of Toledo Refuse Schedule is published in The Blade at the end of every month, however with the declining number of subscriptions, no one reads the Blade so everyone is confused.

A group of neighbors on Burton St meet every Sunday night each with a bottle of their favorite liquor or a case of the beer of the month special. Every meeting starts off with
“When is garbage pick up here on Burton?”

Phil said : “the hell if I know, these politicians couldn't organize an orgy in a whorehouse”

The confusion comes in the City of Toledo’s “leap day” theory:

Garbage pick up in the City of Toledo is broken out into pick up areas in 5 color coded sectors. Each area is given a number and letter for the recycling days. If there is holiday and the fringe holidays (Arbor Day, the Super Bowl, the day after Thanksgiving, Carty’s Birthday, the Mud Hens home opener , a Ben Konop press conference, Scouts Birthday, The MLK bridge is stuck) all count and the garbage day leaps forward one day unless its in January when the sun sets before six o’clock then recycling is one day behind. That is unless you call the City on Thursday and request the day to be kept the same. You can go down to the City and ask for Denise, who used to work at Taco Bell, and ask her form OU812. If that is denied you can tie a violet (no purple please) ribbon around the bin in form of protest. If you live in East or North Toledo you must have an orange ribbon tied to your garbage bin denoting that the bin is actually garbage and not part of your lawn decorations.

Dr. Michael Asteron a visiting professor at the University of Toledo and Astro-physicist with NASA said:
“I have launched 5 space shuttles, tested 4 lunar satellites and participated in the design for the newest engine for an upcoming Mars exploration vehicle and I still have to walk outside and see when Old Man Haberson has his cans out because he is the only one that has the time to figure this shit out".

Toledoans Mobilize To Help Earthquake In Haiti

West Toledo:

John and Mary Spencer have begun to mobilze a small committed group of neighbors from their Old Orchard neighborhood to help with the recent earthquake in Haiti. John a local engineer was motivated late Tuesday night when reports of the earthquake passed by on the ticker of Fox News.

“I just can’t imagine what those people are going through, I mean they have very little to start, with a natural disaster like this it's just horrible, I feel so bad” said John

The Spencers have gathered a total of 26 cans of food and 4 bags of rice and plan to send it COD via USPS to a small village on the island. When asked about their civic involvement locally the Spencers replied

“ Locally? Well we don’t really care about our neighbors or anyone else in Toledo. Yeah sure there are plenty of people that need help here but we are more motivated to help those that we can’t see nor will ever meet, and to be quite honest we feel more comfortable contributing to worldwide organizations that we aren’t totally sure give our money and goods to the people that really need them”