Buckeye Fans Meet To Vote On Excuse To Explain Rose Bowl Loss

Maumee- Local Ohio State Buckeye Fans met this Monday afternoon at Jeds Sports Bar to vote on which excuses they will use during and after the Rose Bowl game to be played on Jan 1st at 5pm.

Jim “one buck nut” McPherson said the group has been getting together to watch Ohio State games for the last 15 years.

“We bounce around from place to place throughout the season, we usually only get to watch a game or two before the restaurant or bar asks us not to come back. I don’t see what the big deal is, we are just really passionate about our football team. So what if it takes 12 guys to spell O-H-I-O”

The group decided to take the recent news of the suspension of two more players from the Buckeyes roster as one of the main reasons as to why a Rose Bowl victory did not happen this year.

“We like to have our excuses ready to go in case any Michigan fans happen to be around and make points about how the Buckeyes aren’t actually as good as we think they are” said McPherson

The group decided on 3 main reasons as to why the Buckeyes will lose along with 5 in-game excuses that will be used in the following way: 1 during the first quarter, 0 during the second quarter, 2 during the third quarter and 2 in the fourth quarter. It was decided by majority decision that all 3rd quarter and 4th quarter excuses will be followed by:

“well.......theres the game” Note: can even be used in the 1st quarter
“God damn it”
“what the Fuuuu”
“Once again, we get fucked by the refs”
“ What kind of call was that? Tressel needs to go”
“At least we beat Michigan”

The 3 main reasons for the Buckeyes future loss are:

Ohio State was playing with half their team
The Refs screwed “us”
O-H-I-O: which really isn’t an excuse but it’s what Buckeye fans yell when they have nothing to say.

A quick poll of this rapid group of Ohio State fans shows the following:

2 are University of Toledo graduates
2 started at Owens but never graduated
4 didn’t graduate high school
3 can’t spell Columbus
1 guy isn’t really an Ohio State fan but met the guys at a bar one time and has just been hanging around them since then.

Quick News: Ben Konop Holds Press Conference At Arena To Deny Affair With Tiger Woods

Opal Covey Admits To Affair With Tiger Woods

South Toledo-
In the midst of the Tiger Woods scandal that has rocked the golf and entire sports world Toledo has was thrown into the mix Monday afternoon. Opal Covey a local woman who has made quite a name for herself over the past few years by running for Mayor has admitted that she too carried on an extensive affair with Tiger Woods. Ms. Covey admitted that back in 2004 she and Eldrick Tont "Tiger" Woods carried on a sexual affair that lasted approximately 4 months.

In 2004 Mr. Woods was embattled with a number of issues, most of all was his rift with Coach Butch Harmon and a change in his swing that was needed to reduce damage to his already surgically repaired knee. All this, along with his lucid affair with Ms. Covey saw him drop to fourth on the PGA Tour money list.

“During our affair Tiger would always ask me to ask god what he should do during a number of tournaments. He was always second guessing his shots and he actually wanted me to be his caddy for awhile but I told him I couldn't because I had to take care of all these cats” said Ms. Covey

The affair allegedly started when during one of her many conversations with God he told Ms. Covey that Tiger needed some help and he (God) had tapped her as the prophet to resurrect Tigers fledgling career

“God would always tell me that he designed Tiger to be the best golfer in the world and of all time and it just wasn’t working out the way he planned. The big guy can get pretty upset when things don’t go his way, so he told me to do whatever it takes to get Tigers head straight”

When asked about the string of women that Tiger has allegedly been with Ms. Covey said:

“I am not like the rest of those cocktails waitress and porn stars, they were doing the work of the Devil, I am doing the work of God”

The Devil was unavailable for comment.

Black Friday

Rossford: “I did it…” exclaimed George Szoevich as he left the Best Buy with his $299 laptop in hand. George was one of the 12 lucky ones that was able to withstand the cold and get one of these Black Friday deals. It came at price for George that can not be measured.

“I missed Thanksgiving dinner with the family and called in sick to "work" (George is a parking lot attendant for the Ted's Hamburger Lot) on Friday just to get it. My family claims they aren't going to talk to me until Christmas but thats fine because I have $299 of porn to look up till then"

When asked how this year compared to last year George said:

"They put out a nice port-a-potty out here and that was a blessing. Last year all I had was a coffee can and a copy of the Blade which as you know is about as thin as single ply and actually it’s a better read after you use it.”

While George considers this a moral victory in his hunt for the best deal possible, fellow linemates disagree.

“That man was annoying as hell, he kept telling us stories about how he was the first one on the east side to get the Air Jordans IV back in 1989, and then he told us how he was the third person to get Tickle Me Elmo a few years ago. I asked how old his kids were and he said he didn’t have any kids which pretty much creeped me out” Said Stephanie Bexley

George spent approximately 38 hours outside in the cold in front of Best Buy which is impressive until you consider that the line did not start forming until 6 hours before the store opened.