Quick News: Ben Konop Announces He Will Not Seek Re-Election

In a Related Story: Poll Shows Belief In God Is Up 75%

Toledo Garbage Schedule And Bins Cause Problems

West Toledo:

There are many issues in day to day life that cause people to act in an irrational manner; religion, politics and of course the garbage pick up schedule in the City Of Toledo. In the past few weeks, more and more oversized garbage and recycling bins have been appearing in neighborhoods.
“This isn’t going to solve the budget problem” said Phil McVickers of Burton Street in West Toledo.
“I bought garbage cans and now the city buys garbage cans, you want to tell them I bought Beer last night too? Ive already killed this case just trying to figure when I need to lug these huge fuckers to the curb”.

While the new cans and trucks are the source of some debate they are not the real problem. The real problem is nobody seems to know the schedule. The City of Toledo Refuse Schedule is published in The Blade at the end of every month, however with the declining number of subscriptions, no one reads the Blade so everyone is confused.

A group of neighbors on Burton St meet every Sunday night each with a bottle of their favorite liquor or a case of the beer of the month special. Every meeting starts off with
“When is garbage pick up here on Burton?”

Phil said : “the hell if I know, these politicians couldn't organize an orgy in a whorehouse”

The confusion comes in the City of Toledo’s “leap day” theory:

Garbage pick up in the City of Toledo is broken out into pick up areas in 5 color coded sectors. Each area is given a number and letter for the recycling days. If there is holiday and the fringe holidays (Arbor Day, the Super Bowl, the day after Thanksgiving, Carty’s Birthday, the Mud Hens home opener , a Ben Konop press conference, Scouts Birthday, The MLK bridge is stuck) all count and the garbage day leaps forward one day unless its in January when the sun sets before six o’clock then recycling is one day behind. That is unless you call the City on Thursday and request the day to be kept the same. You can go down to the City and ask for Denise, who used to work at Taco Bell, and ask her form OU812. If that is denied you can tie a violet (no purple please) ribbon around the bin in form of protest. If you live in East or North Toledo you must have an orange ribbon tied to your garbage bin denoting that the bin is actually garbage and not part of your lawn decorations.

Dr. Michael Asteron a visiting professor at the University of Toledo and Astro-physicist with NASA said:
“I have launched 5 space shuttles, tested 4 lunar satellites and participated in the design for the newest engine for an upcoming Mars exploration vehicle and I still have to walk outside and see when Old Man Haberson has his cans out because he is the only one that has the time to figure this shit out".

Toledoans Mobilize To Help Earthquake In Haiti

West Toledo:

John and Mary Spencer have begun to mobilze a small committed group of neighbors from their Old Orchard neighborhood to help with the recent earthquake in Haiti. John a local engineer was motivated late Tuesday night when reports of the earthquake passed by on the ticker of Fox News.

“I just can’t imagine what those people are going through, I mean they have very little to start, with a natural disaster like this it's just horrible, I feel so bad” said John

The Spencers have gathered a total of 26 cans of food and 4 bags of rice and plan to send it COD via USPS to a small village on the island. When asked about their civic involvement locally the Spencers replied

“ Locally? Well we don’t really care about our neighbors or anyone else in Toledo. Yeah sure there are plenty of people that need help here but we are more motivated to help those that we can’t see nor will ever meet, and to be quite honest we feel more comfortable contributing to worldwide organizations that we aren’t totally sure give our money and goods to the people that really need them”

Buckeye Fans Meet To Vote On Excuse To Explain Rose Bowl Loss

Maumee- Local Ohio State Buckeye Fans met this Monday afternoon at Jeds Sports Bar to vote on which excuses they will use during and after the Rose Bowl game to be played on Jan 1st at 5pm.

Jim “one buck nut” McPherson said the group has been getting together to watch Ohio State games for the last 15 years.

“We bounce around from place to place throughout the season, we usually only get to watch a game or two before the restaurant or bar asks us not to come back. I don’t see what the big deal is, we are just really passionate about our football team. So what if it takes 12 guys to spell O-H-I-O”

The group decided to take the recent news of the suspension of two more players from the Buckeyes roster as one of the main reasons as to why a Rose Bowl victory did not happen this year.

“We like to have our excuses ready to go in case any Michigan fans happen to be around and make points about how the Buckeyes aren’t actually as good as we think they are” said McPherson

The group decided on 3 main reasons as to why the Buckeyes will lose along with 5 in-game excuses that will be used in the following way: 1 during the first quarter, 0 during the second quarter, 2 during the third quarter and 2 in the fourth quarter. It was decided by majority decision that all 3rd quarter and 4th quarter excuses will be followed by:

“well.......theres the game” Note: can even be used in the 1st quarter
“God damn it”
“what the Fuuuu”
“Once again, we get fucked by the refs”
“ What kind of call was that? Tressel needs to go”
“At least we beat Michigan”

The 3 main reasons for the Buckeyes future loss are:

Ohio State was playing with half their team
The Refs screwed “us”
O-H-I-O: which really isn’t an excuse but it’s what Buckeye fans yell when they have nothing to say.

A quick poll of this rapid group of Ohio State fans shows the following:

2 are University of Toledo graduates
2 started at Owens but never graduated
4 didn’t graduate high school
3 can’t spell Columbus
1 guy isn’t really an Ohio State fan but met the guys at a bar one time and has just been hanging around them since then.

Quick News: Ben Konop Holds Press Conference At Arena To Deny Affair With Tiger Woods

Opal Covey Admits To Affair With Tiger Woods

South Toledo-
In the midst of the Tiger Woods scandal that has rocked the golf and entire sports world Toledo has was thrown into the mix Monday afternoon. Opal Covey a local woman who has made quite a name for herself over the past few years by running for Mayor has admitted that she too carried on an extensive affair with Tiger Woods. Ms. Covey admitted that back in 2004 she and Eldrick Tont "Tiger" Woods carried on a sexual affair that lasted approximately 4 months.

In 2004 Mr. Woods was embattled with a number of issues, most of all was his rift with Coach Butch Harmon and a change in his swing that was needed to reduce damage to his already surgically repaired knee. All this, along with his lucid affair with Ms. Covey saw him drop to fourth on the PGA Tour money list.

“During our affair Tiger would always ask me to ask god what he should do during a number of tournaments. He was always second guessing his shots and he actually wanted me to be his caddy for awhile but I told him I couldn't because I had to take care of all these cats” said Ms. Covey

The affair allegedly started when during one of her many conversations with God he told Ms. Covey that Tiger needed some help and he (God) had tapped her as the prophet to resurrect Tigers fledgling career

“God would always tell me that he designed Tiger to be the best golfer in the world and of all time and it just wasn’t working out the way he planned. The big guy can get pretty upset when things don’t go his way, so he told me to do whatever it takes to get Tigers head straight”

When asked about the string of women that Tiger has allegedly been with Ms. Covey said:

“I am not like the rest of those cocktails waitress and porn stars, they were doing the work of the Devil, I am doing the work of God”

The Devil was unavailable for comment.

Black Friday

Rossford: “I did it…” exclaimed George Szoevich as he left the Best Buy with his $299 laptop in hand. George was one of the 12 lucky ones that was able to withstand the cold and get one of these Black Friday deals. It came at price for George that can not be measured.

“I missed Thanksgiving dinner with the family and called in sick to "work" (George is a parking lot attendant for the Ted's Hamburger Lot) on Friday just to get it. My family claims they aren't going to talk to me until Christmas but thats fine because I have $299 of porn to look up till then"

When asked how this year compared to last year George said:

"They put out a nice port-a-potty out here and that was a blessing. Last year all I had was a coffee can and a copy of the Blade which as you know is about as thin as single ply and actually it’s a better read after you use it.”

While George considers this a moral victory in his hunt for the best deal possible, fellow linemates disagree.

“That man was annoying as hell, he kept telling us stories about how he was the first one on the east side to get the Air Jordans IV back in 1989, and then he told us how he was the third person to get Tickle Me Elmo a few years ago. I asked how old his kids were and he said he didn’t have any kids which pretty much creeped me out” Said Stephanie Bexley

George spent approximately 38 hours outside in the cold in front of Best Buy which is impressive until you consider that the line did not start forming until 6 hours before the store opened.

Out Of Town Douchebag To Arrive In Town Around 5pm

West Toledo:
James MacRitchie is set to arrive back in Toledo around 5pm this evening, coming from his “totally awesome” loft in downtown Chicago. MacRitchie or J-Mac as he was known in the halls of Ottawa Hills High School has already texted the rest of his douchebag friends and told them to meet him at Arnies at 5:30 because it’s “On like Donkey Kong”

Arnies a favorite hang out of former Ottawa Hills, St. Francis, St. Johns, Northview and Southview students, with a few Whitmer and Start people thrown in for that trashy flavor is preparing for the influx douchebaggery that occurs every year on this night.

“I love working this night” said Ashley Tisdale (24)

“ I totally can’t wait to see all my friends again, ever since High School I have been bouncing around from bar to bar while the rest of my friends went to school and started careers, so we don’t really have much to talk about but since they will be drinking I will be way more interesting” said Monica Sivillon (29)

Adam Markos (34) a local business man is not looking forward to seeing all of his old “friends” from High School.

“I usually see them once or twice throughout out the year at a golf outing here and there but now I’m going to be stuck with them in a bar for god knows how long and it doesn’t matter where I go these guys are everywhere. I’ll be honest though I love running into the broads that were too good for everyone and now they have a kid or two are divorced and way over weight and now no one wants them. That always brings a smile to my face.” said Adam

Stories of High School and how Arnies “used” to be will likely be flowing throughout the night and culminate in the typical late night walk next door to Taco Bell.

Shawnee Nation Set To Take On Raider Nation at BW3’s In Arrowhead Park

Maumee, OH-

An area of land once made famous when an army commanded by Anthony Wayne defeated a force of Shawnees and other tribes in the land now know as Maumee, OH, another battle is brewing. While the original battle took place on wooded land known as Fallen Timbers, this Sunday a battle of epic proportions could possibly once again take place in an area appropriately named Arrowhead Park when the Oakland Raiders take on the Kansas City Chiefs.

Spokesperson for the Shawnee nation, Painted Wolf said:

“Every Sunday we come in here and we see these Raider Nation retards dressed up in their spikey shoulder pads, faces painted, and stupid hats cheering for blood from teams that no one else cares about. Hell, two weeks ago some of our colleagues were in BW’s dressed as Browns fans and these retards were screaming in our faces……..the raiders were playing the freaking San Diego Chargers. There is just no helping these people”

A quick survey of the members of the Shawnee Nation revealed that the majority of them are fans of either the Kansas City Chiefs or the Washington Redskins but there are those that are fans of local teams like the Bengals, Browns and Steelers.

“ There are a few of us that are real Browns fans but some of the others just like to dress up like fans to spy on Raider Nation morons. We all put on our good sweatpants, come to the bar and cheer for every single positive play the Browns make. Sometimes we cheer even if they don’t make a positive play but instead don’t do anything really really bad, it helps us blend in more” Said Lil Black Bear (Aka John)

3 Toledo Bars To Offer Specials To On Duty Police Officers

O'Reiley's Irish Pub, The Clubhouse and Goal Line Sports Cafe will all offer various specials to all on duty Toledo Police Officers who arrive in unifrom and driving their police cruiser.

God Shuts Off Direct Line To Opal Covey

Opal Covey, a recent fixture in Toledo politics and apparently number one on God’s speed dial received a tag on her door today notifying her that her direct line to God has been disconnected. The note was placed some time in the early morning hours of Tuesday and stated

Ms. Covey your line to God has been disconnected, if you need further assistance please dial *666 and ask for Carleton S. Finkbeiner

Ms. Covey has proclaimed in the last two mayoral elections that she had spoken to God and he was directing her to run for Mayor and would inform her on what needs to be done to improve the city of Toledo.

God was unavailable for comment but Heaven Spokesaint St. Peter said:

“ This has just gotten out of hand, normally we don’t mind when people invoke Gods name for their own personal use but when someone like this freak show is calling everyday all day we just have to draw the line somewhere. We are still working on Peace in the Middle East, trying to roll out this H1N1 thing, and we still have at least 3 more earthquakes and 7 other tsunami’s that we have to get to. Myself, God and Jesus all sat down and talked about this and we feel we just need to give her sometime to cool off and get as close to reality as she can and we might re connect the line in the future. Our plate is full with Toledo, OH and in this economy we have to make cuts like everyone else”.

Konop To Run For Class President

West Toledo:

Ben Konop who at the start of this years Mayoral Campaign season pledged to “take his ball and go home” if not elected has apparently filed his petition with the Start High School Student Council to run for Class President.

“I was pretty shocked when I got called to the office, I never get called to the office” said Student Council VP Tricia Abberson.

“ I was even more shocked to find Mr. Konop standing there waiting for me, and then when he told me he wanted to run for our class president I was just astounded. When he first told me I didn’t really hear him because I was too focused on why he was squinting so hard like he was staring into the sun or something. Then once I heard he repeat himself I knew it was for real” said Ms. Abberson

A review of the Roy C. Start High School Student Council bylaws clearly states that all candidates must be a student at the school at the start of the school year. However, after a quick 5-2 vote and the customary gang “beat in”, Mr. Konop was given the honor of Honorary Spartan.

“ Well I won the Commissioners seat on my aunt Sandy’s name and I obviously bit off more than I can chew with running for Mayor and I’m humble enough to know where my shortcomings are that I decided I should take a step back and really find myself down here in the “minor leagues” of politics.

During Mr. Konop’s first speech as a class president candidate he promised 4 square tournaments every Wednesday and Dodge ball every Thursday. On Fridays Mr. Konop promised to introduce a new game to the Start students called “Where’s the crack dealer” similar to the popular books “Where’s Waldo” this would be a live version where students would win by simply finding the crack dealer in their school.

According to Mr. Konop all of these games have real world applications which he promises to introduce to the citizens of Toledo the next time he runs for Mayor.

“I barely beat Opal Covey this last time around so I have to bring it strong the next time around” said Mr. Konop

Walleye Opening Day Poll

Downtown Toledo:

We did it for opening day at 5/3 Field and we did it again for the Toledo Walleye Home Opener on Friday.

We sent Reg Hanson down to the arena to take a poll on what people thought of the new Lucas County Arena.

9% - Thought that the Storm jerseys looked different
6% - Was their first time over the bridge since July 4th
11% - Thought that the Sports Arena looked great
13% - Asked us if this is part of the Marina Project
8% - Were glad to see Ben Konop taking tickets at the front door
3% - Saw Scout in the mayor’s car
15% - Voted for Opal
6% - Were so intoxicated that they signed our petition (we didn’t have one)
4% - Asked about Toledo Onion home delivery
8% - Wanted to know where Dukes the dog was
7% - Still had walleye stuffed in pants because they were in the bathroom for the first goal
10% - Felt safe but were willing to take candy from strangers (we had candy)

Route 66 Shooters Trained On Nintendo

Toledo, OH:

Thanks to the video taken inside the Route 66 Bar & Grill splashed all over local and national media along with over 100,000 hits on Youtube the perpetrators of the shooting have been caught. James “lil dog” Johnson, Michael “Cherrio” Washington, Randal “Ray Ray” Dawson and Orlando “weezy” Tompkins were all apprehended. Police say they found the suspects in a house on Ontario St on Toledo’s North End.

Sgt. Michael Hutchinson said:
“After our tip line was flooded with the street names of the suspects we talked to some of our informants on the streets and all tips led us to this house. Upon entering the house we found the suspects playing the popular video game Duck Hunt on the original Nintendo gaming system. We came in with weapons drawn but the suspects did not put up a fight. Suspects Johnson, Washington and Dawson immediately put down their 40 oz bottles of King Cobra and laid on their stomachs with their arms outstretched. Suspect Tompkins exclaimed

“Hold on brotha I’m in clay pigeon mode” before our officers wrestled him to the ground”.

According to police reports all suspects claimed to have taken all of their firearm training from the popular video game which most likely was the reason they did not even come close to striking their targets in the Route 66 shootout.

“Man I didn’t even know it was dat hard to shoot a real gun, they are really heavy compared to my NES Zapper, I was surprised. During the whole thing all I could picture was that little dog that pops up and laughs at me when I miss the ducks. To be honest man I didn’t even know why I was shootin or who I was shootin I was just picturing dat damn dog”, said Washington.

Police are still looking for one more suspect that was located inside Route 66, tips say 23 year old Nathaniel “Bang Bang Miss” Grobson is a big fan of Buck Hunter.

Blarney Refugee Camp

With the recent news of Tsunami's and Earthquakes the Blarney Irish Pub has apparently set up a refugee shelter on their patio.