Buckeye Fans Meet To Vote On Excuse To Explain Rose Bowl Loss

Maumee- Local Ohio State Buckeye Fans met this Monday afternoon at Jeds Sports Bar to vote on which excuses they will use during and after the Rose Bowl game to be played on Jan 1st at 5pm.

Jim “one buck nut” McPherson said the group has been getting together to watch Ohio State games for the last 15 years.

“We bounce around from place to place throughout the season, we usually only get to watch a game or two before the restaurant or bar asks us not to come back. I don’t see what the big deal is, we are just really passionate about our football team. So what if it takes 12 guys to spell O-H-I-O”

The group decided to take the recent news of the suspension of two more players from the Buckeyes roster as one of the main reasons as to why a Rose Bowl victory did not happen this year.

“We like to have our excuses ready to go in case any Michigan fans happen to be around and make points about how the Buckeyes aren’t actually as good as we think they are” said McPherson

The group decided on 3 main reasons as to why the Buckeyes will lose along with 5 in-game excuses that will be used in the following way: 1 during the first quarter, 0 during the second quarter, 2 during the third quarter and 2 in the fourth quarter. It was decided by majority decision that all 3rd quarter and 4th quarter excuses will be followed by:

“well.......theres the game” Note: can even be used in the 1st quarter
“God damn it”
“what the Fuuuu”
“Once again, we get fucked by the refs”
“ What kind of call was that? Tressel needs to go”
“At least we beat Michigan”

The 3 main reasons for the Buckeyes future loss are:

Ohio State was playing with half their team
The Refs screwed “us”
O-H-I-O: which really isn’t an excuse but it’s what Buckeye fans yell when they have nothing to say.

A quick poll of this rapid group of Ohio State fans shows the following:

2 are University of Toledo graduates
2 started at Owens but never graduated
4 didn’t graduate high school
3 can’t spell Columbus
1 guy isn’t really an Ohio State fan but met the guys at a bar one time and has just been hanging around them since then.

Quick News: Ben Konop Holds Press Conference At Arena To Deny Affair With Tiger Woods

Opal Covey Admits To Affair With Tiger Woods

South Toledo-
In the midst of the Tiger Woods scandal that has rocked the golf and entire sports world Toledo has was thrown into the mix Monday afternoon. Opal Covey a local woman who has made quite a name for herself over the past few years by running for Mayor has admitted that she too carried on an extensive affair with Tiger Woods. Ms. Covey admitted that back in 2004 she and Eldrick Tont "Tiger" Woods carried on a sexual affair that lasted approximately 4 months.

In 2004 Mr. Woods was embattled with a number of issues, most of all was his rift with Coach Butch Harmon and a change in his swing that was needed to reduce damage to his already surgically repaired knee. All this, along with his lucid affair with Ms. Covey saw him drop to fourth on the PGA Tour money list.

“During our affair Tiger would always ask me to ask god what he should do during a number of tournaments. He was always second guessing his shots and he actually wanted me to be his caddy for awhile but I told him I couldn't because I had to take care of all these cats” said Ms. Covey

The affair allegedly started when during one of her many conversations with God he told Ms. Covey that Tiger needed some help and he (God) had tapped her as the prophet to resurrect Tigers fledgling career

“God would always tell me that he designed Tiger to be the best golfer in the world and of all time and it just wasn’t working out the way he planned. The big guy can get pretty upset when things don’t go his way, so he told me to do whatever it takes to get Tigers head straight”

When asked about the string of women that Tiger has allegedly been with Ms. Covey said:

“I am not like the rest of those cocktails waitress and porn stars, they were doing the work of the Devil, I am doing the work of God”

The Devil was unavailable for comment.

Black Friday

Rossford: “I did it…” exclaimed George Szoevich as he left the Best Buy with his $299 laptop in hand. George was one of the 12 lucky ones that was able to withstand the cold and get one of these Black Friday deals. It came at price for George that can not be measured.

“I missed Thanksgiving dinner with the family and called in sick to "work" (George is a parking lot attendant for the Ted's Hamburger Lot) on Friday just to get it. My family claims they aren't going to talk to me until Christmas but thats fine because I have $299 of porn to look up till then"

When asked how this year compared to last year George said:

"They put out a nice port-a-potty out here and that was a blessing. Last year all I had was a coffee can and a copy of the Blade which as you know is about as thin as single ply and actually it’s a better read after you use it.”

While George considers this a moral victory in his hunt for the best deal possible, fellow linemates disagree.

“That man was annoying as hell, he kept telling us stories about how he was the first one on the east side to get the Air Jordans IV back in 1989, and then he told us how he was the third person to get Tickle Me Elmo a few years ago. I asked how old his kids were and he said he didn’t have any kids which pretty much creeped me out” Said Stephanie Bexley

George spent approximately 38 hours outside in the cold in front of Best Buy which is impressive until you consider that the line did not start forming until 6 hours before the store opened.

Out Of Town Douchebag To Arrive In Town Around 5pm

West Toledo:
James MacRitchie is set to arrive back in Toledo around 5pm this evening, coming from his “totally awesome” loft in downtown Chicago. MacRitchie or J-Mac as he was known in the halls of Ottawa Hills High School has already texted the rest of his douchebag friends and told them to meet him at Arnies at 5:30 because it’s “On like Donkey Kong”

Arnies a favorite hang out of former Ottawa Hills, St. Francis, St. Johns, Northview and Southview students, with a few Whitmer and Start people thrown in for that trashy flavor is preparing for the influx douchebaggery that occurs every year on this night.

“I love working this night” said Ashley Tisdale (24)

“ I totally can’t wait to see all my friends again, ever since High School I have been bouncing around from bar to bar while the rest of my friends went to school and started careers, so we don’t really have much to talk about but since they will be drinking I will be way more interesting” said Monica Sivillon (29)

Adam Markos (34) a local business man is not looking forward to seeing all of his old “friends” from High School.

“I usually see them once or twice throughout out the year at a golf outing here and there but now I’m going to be stuck with them in a bar for god knows how long and it doesn’t matter where I go these guys are everywhere. I’ll be honest though I love running into the broads that were too good for everyone and now they have a kid or two are divorced and way over weight and now no one wants them. That always brings a smile to my face.” said Adam

Stories of High School and how Arnies “used” to be will likely be flowing throughout the night and culminate in the typical late night walk next door to Taco Bell.

Shawnee Nation Set To Take On Raider Nation at BW3’s In Arrowhead Park

Maumee, OH-

An area of land once made famous when an army commanded by Anthony Wayne defeated a force of Shawnees and other tribes in the land now know as Maumee, OH, another battle is brewing. While the original battle took place on wooded land known as Fallen Timbers, this Sunday a battle of epic proportions could possibly once again take place in an area appropriately named Arrowhead Park when the Oakland Raiders take on the Kansas City Chiefs.

Spokesperson for the Shawnee nation, Painted Wolf said:

“Every Sunday we come in here and we see these Raider Nation retards dressed up in their spikey shoulder pads, faces painted, and stupid hats cheering for blood from teams that no one else cares about. Hell, two weeks ago some of our colleagues were in BW’s dressed as Browns fans and these retards were screaming in our faces……..the raiders were playing the freaking San Diego Chargers. There is just no helping these people”

A quick survey of the members of the Shawnee Nation revealed that the majority of them are fans of either the Kansas City Chiefs or the Washington Redskins but there are those that are fans of local teams like the Bengals, Browns and Steelers.

“ There are a few of us that are real Browns fans but some of the others just like to dress up like fans to spy on Raider Nation morons. We all put on our good sweatpants, come to the bar and cheer for every single positive play the Browns make. Sometimes we cheer even if they don’t make a positive play but instead don’t do anything really really bad, it helps us blend in more” Said Lil Black Bear (Aka John)

3 Toledo Bars To Offer Specials To On Duty Police Officers

O'Reiley's Irish Pub, The Clubhouse and Goal Line Sports Cafe will all offer various specials to all on duty Toledo Police Officers who arrive in unifrom and driving their police cruiser.

God Shuts Off Direct Line To Opal Covey

Opal Covey, a recent fixture in Toledo politics and apparently number one on God’s speed dial received a tag on her door today notifying her that her direct line to God has been disconnected. The note was placed some time in the early morning hours of Tuesday and stated

Ms. Covey your line to God has been disconnected, if you need further assistance please dial *666 and ask for Carleton S. Finkbeiner

Ms. Covey has proclaimed in the last two mayoral elections that she had spoken to God and he was directing her to run for Mayor and would inform her on what needs to be done to improve the city of Toledo.

God was unavailable for comment but Heaven Spokesaint St. Peter said:

“ This has just gotten out of hand, normally we don’t mind when people invoke Gods name for their own personal use but when someone like this freak show is calling everyday all day we just have to draw the line somewhere. We are still working on Peace in the Middle East, trying to roll out this H1N1 thing, and we still have at least 3 more earthquakes and 7 other tsunami’s that we have to get to. Myself, God and Jesus all sat down and talked about this and we feel we just need to give her sometime to cool off and get as close to reality as she can and we might re connect the line in the future. Our plate is full with Toledo, OH and in this economy we have to make cuts like everyone else”.

Konop To Run For Class President

West Toledo:

Ben Konop who at the start of this years Mayoral Campaign season pledged to “take his ball and go home” if not elected has apparently filed his petition with the Start High School Student Council to run for Class President.

“I was pretty shocked when I got called to the office, I never get called to the office” said Student Council VP Tricia Abberson.

“ I was even more shocked to find Mr. Konop standing there waiting for me, and then when he told me he wanted to run for our class president I was just astounded. When he first told me I didn’t really hear him because I was too focused on why he was squinting so hard like he was staring into the sun or something. Then once I heard he repeat himself I knew it was for real” said Ms. Abberson

A review of the Roy C. Start High School Student Council bylaws clearly states that all candidates must be a student at the school at the start of the school year. However, after a quick 5-2 vote and the customary gang “beat in”, Mr. Konop was given the honor of Honorary Spartan.

“ Well I won the Commissioners seat on my aunt Sandy’s name and I obviously bit off more than I can chew with running for Mayor and I’m humble enough to know where my shortcomings are that I decided I should take a step back and really find myself down here in the “minor leagues” of politics.

During Mr. Konop’s first speech as a class president candidate he promised 4 square tournaments every Wednesday and Dodge ball every Thursday. On Fridays Mr. Konop promised to introduce a new game to the Start students called “Where’s the crack dealer” similar to the popular books “Where’s Waldo” this would be a live version where students would win by simply finding the crack dealer in their school.

According to Mr. Konop all of these games have real world applications which he promises to introduce to the citizens of Toledo the next time he runs for Mayor.

“I barely beat Opal Covey this last time around so I have to bring it strong the next time around” said Mr. Konop

Walleye Opening Day Poll

Downtown Toledo:

We did it for opening day at 5/3 Field and we did it again for the Toledo Walleye Home Opener on Friday.

We sent Reg Hanson down to the arena to take a poll on what people thought of the new Lucas County Arena.

9% - Thought that the Storm jerseys looked different
6% - Was their first time over the bridge since July 4th
11% - Thought that the Sports Arena looked great
13% - Asked us if this is part of the Marina Project
8% - Were glad to see Ben Konop taking tickets at the front door
3% - Saw Scout in the mayor’s car
15% - Voted for Opal
6% - Were so intoxicated that they signed our petition (we didn’t have one)
4% - Asked about Toledo Onion home delivery
8% - Wanted to know where Dukes the dog was
7% - Still had walleye stuffed in pants because they were in the bathroom for the first goal
10% - Felt safe but were willing to take candy from strangers (we had candy)

Route 66 Shooters Trained On Nintendo

Toledo, OH:

Thanks to the video taken inside the Route 66 Bar & Grill splashed all over local and national media along with over 100,000 hits on Youtube the perpetrators of the shooting have been caught. James “lil dog” Johnson, Michael “Cherrio” Washington, Randal “Ray Ray” Dawson and Orlando “weezy” Tompkins were all apprehended. Police say they found the suspects in a house on Ontario St on Toledo’s North End.

Sgt. Michael Hutchinson said:
“After our tip line was flooded with the street names of the suspects we talked to some of our informants on the streets and all tips led us to this house. Upon entering the house we found the suspects playing the popular video game Duck Hunt on the original Nintendo gaming system. We came in with weapons drawn but the suspects did not put up a fight. Suspects Johnson, Washington and Dawson immediately put down their 40 oz bottles of King Cobra and laid on their stomachs with their arms outstretched. Suspect Tompkins exclaimed

“Hold on brotha I’m in clay pigeon mode” before our officers wrestled him to the ground”.

According to police reports all suspects claimed to have taken all of their firearm training from the popular video game which most likely was the reason they did not even come close to striking their targets in the Route 66 shootout.

“Man I didn’t even know it was dat hard to shoot a real gun, they are really heavy compared to my NES Zapper, I was surprised. During the whole thing all I could picture was that little dog that pops up and laughs at me when I miss the ducks. To be honest man I didn’t even know why I was shootin or who I was shootin I was just picturing dat damn dog”, said Washington.

Police are still looking for one more suspect that was located inside Route 66, tips say 23 year old Nathaniel “Bang Bang Miss” Grobson is a big fan of Buck Hunter.

Blarney Refugee Camp

With the recent news of Tsunami's and Earthquakes the Blarney Irish Pub has apparently set up a refugee shelter on their patio.

Diehard Ford Owner Refuses Help From Dodge Driver

Richard Wilkins (42) was traveling west bound on Airport Highway in his 2002 Ford F-150 this afternoon when he apparently dropped his chewing tobacco spitter on the floor, lost control and hit a guard rail. Jeff Kazmaier (28) a Dodge Ram owner was also traveling west bound four cars behind Mr. Wilkins when the accident occurred.

“I saw him swerve into the guard rail and spin around towards on coming traffic so I pulled over and jumped out to help. When I got to the truck he had a huge cut on his head and was bleeding very bad”

Upon wiping the blood from his eyes Mr. Wilkins asked Mr. Kazamaier if that’s was his Dodge Ram. After Mr. Kazamaier assured him it was Mr. Wilkins stated.
“I don’t need no help from some god damn dodge owner”

“I saw the sticker of Calvin urinating on the Dodge logo when he passed me around Holloway Rd but I thought that was just a joke” said Kazamaier

Mr. Wilkins was removed from the truck with the help of State Highway patrolmen and was taken by ambulance to the UT Medical Center.

Upon further inspection of the truck Mr. Wilkins apparently did not want help from not only Dodge owners but also, his ex-wife, President Obama, Jeff Gordon Fans, Terrorist or Microsoft which were all represented by the stickers on his back window.

Troopers said the truck was totaled and the only thing to survive the crash were the “truck nuts” attached to Mr. Wilkins trailer hitch.

Konop Making His Last Push

Ben Konop is still working hard to get every last vote he can to put himself into one of the 2 top spots to be the next mayor of this great city. Like many of the candidates Mr. Konop is spending his day going door to door making sure people are getting out to vote. However, some interesting situations have arisen during this clutch time of the election.

“I got him to clean up the dog poop in my yard if I promised to vote for him.” Becky DeFoe of East Toledo said.

Other errands have included returning the Waldorf’s Tupperware from the University of Toledo tailgate this past weekend for Michelle Malsby and getting a cup of sugar for Mrs. Palicki because she needed it to finish her famous snicker doodles.

“He’s a man of the people” Mrs. Palicki stated “but if he don't get back here pretty soon with that sugar Opal is getting my vote next week.” Upon being informed that the primary election was today she replied

“That’s too bad I have plans this afternoon. I will let him know when he comes back. Does that mean I have to pay him now?”

With his eyes squinted as if he was staring directly at the sun Mr. Konop said.

"I have full faith and trust in the people of Toledo to do what's right and to vote for me. I have spent many hours on Facebook late at night after the bars, making stupid youtube videos, disrespecting the American flag and going door to door this campaign and I know it will pay off. Plus my mom just took me school shopping for new clothes so even if I don't win I still have a bunch of new clothes, which is waaaaay cool".

Make sure to get out there and vote once or twice today!

Remember: “If you don’t vote… you can’t bitch”

Former Toledo Storm Fans Gearing Up For Walleye Hockey Season

October 16th and the start of the 2009/2010 Toledo Walleye Hockey Season are just around the corner. While crews put the finishing touches on The Lucas County Arena (aka Ben Konop Arena) and the team signs players from around North America, Toledo fans are anxiously awaiting the first drop of the puck.

Michael Krepps, James Coughlin, Jack “Big Daddy” Williams and Becky Snyder are ready for the upcoming Toledo Walleye season to start but being longtime Toledo Storm fans they have their concerns. After sitting together for the past 14 years at the Toledo Sports Arena and drinking stale beer out of wax cups they are worried the new arena won’t feel like home.

There are plenty of memories between these guys.

“I got engaged in those seats… twice” says Michael Krepps.

“ We are worried the troughs (that’s urinal in East Side Slang) aren’t gonna drip on the floor anymore and I wonder if the ladies will still walk in the guys bathrooms on busy nights.” Said James Coughlin

“hey I wonder if they are going to burn the popcorn so as soon as you walk in the door so the smell hits you in the face, ” said Big Daddy

“ I miss the old Goal Digger and Storm days when the cloud of smoke from the whole building smoking would hang ten feet off the ice. One year I had season tickets in section 106 in the second to last row and by the middle of the second period you could barely see the ice. I’ve spent many nights in the Thunderdome lounge and got really drunk but luckily there was always at least one guy (sometimes two or three) who offered to take me home every time” said Becky Snyder

When asked what their chief concern was when coming over the bridge, these four eastsiders replied. “the toll”.

Hooters Waitress Demoted to Thursday Lunch Shift

West Toledo- Last Tuesday Kimmi Buckholter a server at Hooters on Monroe St was demoted to the Thursday lunch shift after dropping a tray of wings on the “Game Over-Mikes Bachelor Party” last weekend. The sudden move came as a shock to the rest of the weekend night shift servers also known as The Varsity Team.

Store Manager Brian McKenna said “Kimmi was one of my most solid servers throughout the summer and in the last couple of weeks she has just not had the passion that everyone knows I demand of my varsity team. Her hula hoop skills are lacking and her ability to sit down at a table full of guys and make them think she is interested in them is just not there anymore”

Kimmi (21) has been working at Hooters since the summer of 2006 when she turned 18 and came on as the greeter/hostess in the white polo. Through hard work and dedication she quickly earned her orange shorts, puffy socks, and tight white Hooters shirt and was the star server under previous manager Mike Collins. As with any good team a change in leadership can always disrupt team chemistry and Kimmi was no exception.

“Like from day one I totally didn’t get along with Brian, he is like always on my about singing the birthday song, I totally bang the plates together louder than any of these bitches here. I was like totally the rock star when Mike was here” said Kimmi

Overall the quality at the local hooters has gone severely down hill and as a whole the store has been dropped from Division II to Division IIAA among Hooters restaurants across the country.

“I came from a Division I store in Buffalo and I was brought her to hire hot dumb girls who can hula hoop, sing, and make every horny guy think he has a chance and bring this store up to Division I status and I cannot do that with girls like Kimmi. Sometimes you just need to shake things up a bit, hopefully this will let the rest of the girls know I mean business and I’m here to win” said Brian

Toledo Announces 6 More Rib Events This Summer

Downtown Toledo-

Some things are good in bunches; flowers, cookies, hugs, etc. In Toledo we believe that also applies to Rib Events. Northwest, Oh has been providing Ohioans and Michiganders with top notch ribs from around the country and bands on the back 9 of their careers for many years. A couple of years ago the NW Ohio Rib Off split along with it’s sponsors for the friendly yet character free confines of the Lucas County Rec Center. With the demise of Citifest and the cajones of Columbia Gas to step up and support The Red Cross and Smoke on the Water the Toledo area is now blessed with two Rib Events on consecutive weekends.

Packed with local and national restaurants specializing in their own unique rib recipes, beer provided by local distributors and entertainment provided by washed up bands that were moderately good 15- 30 years ago these events are a summertime staple. Like Christmas and fishing for cat fish in the Maumee River these rib events are the highlight of most trailer park summers. County and City officials have agreed to collaborate and hold a rib event every weekend for the remainder of the summer.

The Northwest Ohio Rib Off – Lucas County Rec Center 08/07 – 08/09
Foreigner

Ribs ‘R Us to benefit Larry Dillin– The One road that makes up the Marina District – 08/15 & 08/16
Air Supply

Give Scout a Bone to benefit Carty’s Retirement Fund– Cartys Office One Government Center. **Free Showers for the first 50 people through the gates** 08/22 & 08/23
Night Ranger

Blue BQ to bring back the Toledo Police – East Toledo 08/29 & 08/30
The Gap Band

Wall – E – Que to benefit the payoff of the new Lucas County Arena- at the new Arena 09/05 & 09/06
Oingo Boingo & Eurythmics

Boo Ben-Rib-a- Looza-to benefit the stoner guy who booed Konop- Bens Condo – 09/12 & 09/13
The Outfield & The Dream Academy

Final rib Event of Summer:

Take Back the Ribs-to benefit the Carty recall effort– Erie Street Market – 09/19 & 09/20
Nena

Quick News:

Mike Hessman, first baseman for the Toledo Mud Hens is allowed to hold Dusty Ryans' Tigers hat while Ryan takes a leak. After 4 years with the Mud Hens and a declining batting average this may be the closest Hessman ever gets to the MLB.

Onion Exclusive: Dukes The Dog on Spike

by Reg Hanson

Downtown Toledo:

On Monday the Toledo Walleye announced the first member of the new organization, “Spike”, the lovable and highly marketable mascot of Toledo’s newest professional sports team. Spikes first appearance to the Toledo faithful happened Monday during the Hens noon game against Scranton/ Willkes Barre and will continue through the remainder of the Hens season.

People had mixed emotions as the fish scampered about with Muddy and Mudonna. While most were very supportive of the newest face of Toledo sports there were those that had their doubts. One had a very strong opinion on this matter, the old Toledo Storm Mascot “Dukes” the dog.

We caught up with the K-9 working the afternoon shift at Chuck E. Cheese. I sat down with him to get his opinion on Spike and other hot topics here in Toledo:

Reg: You saw the mascot (Spike) what did you think?
Dukes: Well at first I thought I didn’t know what was going on. It looked like just another fish with a bike helmet on like he rode the short bus to the game, but then when he was dancing around with Muddy and Mudoona reality kicked. I’ll be honest, it hurt a bit

Reg: Were you interviewed for the position?
Dukes: Yes, but it was more of a formality. Naps (Joe Napoli) and I sat down to talk one day over a Muddy burger on Opening Day. He thought if I was in a fishing outfit I may have a chance but after we talked more the smell of a wet dog wasn’t really appealing to the fans, I mean at the Sports Arena it would have been fine, hell I probably would have smelled better than half the fans but I never got a call back.

Reg: Do you feel betrayed?
Dukes: After 10 years with the Storm I felt I deserved a chance but it’s a tough job market right now and they had to do what they felt was right.

Reg: Do you think it was because of “the incident” at the Sports Arena?
Dukes: I knew you would go there Hanson, for the last time I thought it was water not vodka. One time I lift my leg in public and that is all anyone remembers. I paid my fine and the city got their $80. Let it go…

Reg: Off topic who for mayor and why?
Dukes: I think Bell has a great shot but don’t under estimate Opal. With an amusement park downtown maybe I could get some work.

Reg: Did you know that Spike is from Windsor, Canada
Dukes: Really? I thought some East Sider fishing underneath the High Level bridge plucked him out one day, well that’s just another example of how good Americans are being put out of work. What’s next? A dancing Jalapeno on skates from Mexico?

Reg: What’s next for Dukes, birthday parties or is here the final stop on this crazy ride?
Dukes: Well I heard about the Arena Football Team and have been eating flies and stretching my tongue so I think I may have a chance (attempts to make Bull Frog noise… I think).

Dukes then was taken down by 4 seven year olds who demand that he dance for them. They kicked and punched him pretty hard several times but he got up and danced for them.

His outfit was a worn and a bit pungent, but I could see he still had in him. If Spike does not look out Dukes could be first in line to replace him. Perhaps when the puck drops October 18th the Toledo Onion should start a petition to bring Dukes back. It may be just crazy enough to work. Maybe I will have those guys for Take Back Toledo help me with the form…

Toledo Ice Basketball Season Tickets Hit All Time High

Downtown Toledo – The Toledo Ice, Toledo's Semi Pro Basketball team sent out an email today announcing season tickets were on sale for the upcoming season. Along with the message was the schedule for the upcoming season. The slogan for the team this year “Not just a pick up game” was met with mixed response. Here is a copy of the email:

Dear Season Ticket Holder:

The Toledo Ice is excited to announce that season ticket packages for the upcoming season have doubled. We have gone from 6 season ticket holders to 12. Our sponsor for this season will be Allison’s Lemonade Stand and we are proud that the Waldorf Garage Sale will be back also.

This is an exciting year for the Ice. We will have a new home court this year, we will NOT be at the new arena but in the Robinson’s backyard where they just put up a new rim and backboard this week. Here is the upcoming schedule and the games are weather permitting. Thank you for your patronage and your $8.00 is due by the end of the month or whenever you can get it to us.

Sept. 5 – vs. IHOP presents the Fort Wayne Waterfalls at Robinson’s Backyard Arena
Sept. 12 - at Dayton Rolled Up Newspapers (playing at Dave’s House)
Sept. 19 – Open (if you got 4 or 5 guys/girls call us)
Sept.26 – at Toledo Christ the King 8th grade boys at CK Arena (please bring a can good for the players night)
Oct. 3 – at Akron Red Bulls (playing at that one park with the picnic tables)
Oct 10 – at Youngstown Labradors (playing at Jimmy’s step dad’s)
Oct. 17 – vs. Monroe Dodge Salesman at Robinson’s Backyard Arena

Toledo Ice Basketball “Not Just a Pick Up Game!”

The Ice did not give an address but said if they know anyone who may be interested to let them know tickets are on sale now…

Basement Containing NBC 24 Studios Found

South Toledo-

Confirming long standing suspicion that NBC 24 is not a real news cast FCC investigators found the basement containing the sub par studios today. FCC crews arrived at a house located at 2345 Byrne Road at 1:30 pm this afternoon to find the “news” staff preparing for their 6pm news cast. FCC spokesman Chris DeWitt said:

“Upon entering the house we found four “staff” members huddled around a stack of milk crates with a sign that read “Bullpen” taped to the side. Norm Van Ness was found throwing darts at a board with pictures of a sun, rain, clouds and snow. Jim Tichey was finishing the scores for the Toledo Goal Diggers vs Flint Generals game in 1973. Station Manager Brian Coswell was found watching tapes of elementary kids giving the morning announcements and proclaimed he was looking for Toledo’s next star to anchor the 6pm newscast”

Shortly after FCC officials arrived Michael Schlesinger’s mom ordered the entire news team and research staff upstairs to wash their hands before dinner.

NBC 24 has long been the forgotten child of the Northwest Ohio news scene, always trailing their major competitors at WTVG and WTOL led to the decision to add two more newscast at 7:00 pm and 7:30 pm. Attempting to blaze a new trail in Toledo news coverage NBC 24 officials believe that viewers will turn from Everybody Loves Raymond and King of Queens re-runs to watch news that was already covered on channels 11 and 13 between 5:00pm and 6:30 pm.

Mikah Smith one of NBC 24’s thirteen views said

“I live 3 doors down from the house and before this digital cable change over NBC 24 was the only station I could get on my rabbit ears so I had to watch, I’ll admit I do miss Blizzard Bill Spencer, no one could deliver a weather forecast wrong 95% of the time like Ol’ Blizzard Bill”

Water Line Break Suspect Caught On Camera

Early Monday morning a water line break on St. Clair Street shut down traffic as well as the sprinkler system for the Edison Plaza. A surveillance camera on the back of HCR Manor Care has captured the image of the suspect walking away after severing the water line. Toledo Police say the suspect has been identified as 22 year old Michael Way an employee of Mojoe’s.

Mojoe’s, a coffee and sandwich shop located just inside the St. Clair entrance of Edison Plaza serves Seattle’s Best coffee along with assorted sandwiches, soups, snacks and refreshments to Edison Plaza employees

Mr. Way was reportedly upset with Mojoe’s management and attempted to sever the water line in order to shut down the coffee shop for the day. Sources inside Mojoe’s say Mr. Way was fed up with the way owner Ed Beczynski was forcing him to work early hours during the summer months. Mr. Way is quoted as saying:

“ He thinks I am one of those god damn foreigners that he has working over at the Blarney, I’m not from the Russia or wherever that guy with the weird accent is from, I have softball on Sunday nights and he knows that and he still wants me here at 5:00am brewing his damn coffee for him”

Mr. Way was also reportedly upset with the way Blarney employees are treated far better than Mojoe’s. Mr. Way was often heard complaining that Mojoe’s employees were treated like step children in the “Eddie B” corporation.

Mr. Way has still not been located, repeated calls to his West Toledo home have gone unanswered and Toledo Police are still busy answering calls from the weekend to follow up.

Homeless Population Leaving Toledo For Suburbs

Toledo, OH-

A recent study shows that the City of Toledo’s homeless population has dropped by 27% in the past 3 months and comes on the heels of a new U.S. Census Bureau study that shows the City of Toledo has lost 2,413 residents or 0.8% of it’s population between July 1, 2007 and July 1, 2008 City officials, led by Mayor Carty Finkbeiner were quick to defend Toledo’s drop in population as merely the fruits of the administration efforts to rid the city of homeless people.

In August of 2007 Mayor Carty Finkbeiner instituted a double secret plan to make Toledo as unattractive to homeless people as possible thereby forcing them to follow the rest of Toledo’s residents to the suburbs.

“My plan worked, we have successfully eradicated approximately 21 homeless people from the streets of Toledo” said Mayor Finkbeiner.

Details of the "double secret" plan have been held very secret but sources inside One Government Center say a decrease in safety, roadblocks for economic development, and anything else that could bring the morale of the city to its lowest point in years were all part of the master plan.

When asked about the other 2,392 people that have left the city Mayor Finkbeiner said:
“You have to take the good with the bad, those 2,392 people that also left were probably losers anyways, and I hope all those homeless people went to Swanton or any of the other surrounding areas that are always bitching about our water supply contracts”

A decrease in population has significant effects of the City of Toledo when it comes to attracting new business and receiving federal grants from HUD and other federal agencies.

“ I could care less what happens with federal grants or new businesses, my goal for the next few months is to drive Toledo as far down as I can and to let the next guy deal with cleaning up my mess.” Said Mayor Finkbeiner

Delaneys Lounge To Add 6 More Causes/Petitions This Summer

Toledo,OH-

Delaneys Lounge on Alexis Road has announced plans to support and organize six new causes for the upcoming summer season. Jim Delaney who has never met a petition he didn’t like has released the names of causes that he and his committee have decided to support between June and September of 2009. Ban Red Light Cameras, Save The Pandas, Smokers For Kids, Karaoke Reform, Recall Jack Ford, and most recently has taken up the cause of overthrowing the current government in Iran.

Mr. Delaney who has long been seen as a community activist that stands up for the rights of the little guy says he and his team believe these are the causes most important to Toledoans this summer.
” After the team sat down over three cartons of Marlboro Red’s we came up with this list that we think will really impact and drive Toledo this summer, these damn politicians don’t have a clue what is going on and we intend to bring these issues to the forefront and force these morons to face the music” said Delaney

When asked about the committee’s recent decision to support the protesters in Iran Mr. Delaney said

“ Well our damn President sure as hell ain’t gonna say nothing and we feel that the support those Iranians feel from North Toledo will give them the strength to overthrow that Supreme Leader dickhead”

Mr. Delaney’s Committee consists of five members. Tom Watkins- the guy who always sings Journey, Jeff Grabson- the creepy guy at the end of the bar in the cowboy hat, Michael “Sharkey” Dura- resident pool shark, Lynn Payment- bartender and Daniel “Danny Boy” Danielson- former millionaire until he lost everything to the smoking ban even though he has never owned a bar.

When asked what made him qualified as a community activist Mr. Delaney said
“Anyone can be a community activist and I believe I have an advantage because who is better equipped to identify the needs of the community than someone who sits in a dark and smoky bar 24/7, I hear it all from my customers, most have been coming in here everyday for the last 28 years, they really have the pulse of the community”.

Area Teen Breaks Up With Girlfriend Via Facebook

Sylvania, OH-

In breaking news Chris Mathews a Sophmore at Southview High School has apparently broken up with Jessica Detaon via facebook. Sources close to the couple say that at approximately 11:45pm on Tuesday night Mr. Mathews changed his relationship status to “Single”. This sent shockwaves through the couples 36 mutual friends. Immediatley comments flooded both parties pages. Many expressions of sympathy were sent out to Ms. Detaon while Mr. Mathews was reportedly threatened by the whole JV Cheer Leading Squad.

When reached for comment Mr. Mathews said

“ I don’t see what the big deal is, I mean I never see her much during the summer anyways, I’m usually at the cottage on Devils Lake and she is always hanging around with those wannabe cheerleaders, I mean they aren’t even Varsity for christ sakes, they are one level above Flag Corps”

Ms. Detaon could not be reached for comment but this is reportedly the “End of the world”

Last Remaining Storm Fan Found

Toledo, OH-

On the site of the future Marina District crews have found a bunker containing the last remaining Toledo Storm fan. East Toledoan Jim Bradford was found late Wednesday afternoon. Crews discovered Mr. Bradford while digging sewer lines on the site of the former Toledo Sports Arena.

Mr. Bradford a lifelong Toledo hockey fan built his bunker over a period of 3 months following the last Toledo Storm home game in April of 2007.

“After the game I was in the River Dome Lounge and I had to take a leak, when I came out of the bathroom all the lights were off and everyone was gone. I tried to get out but they had the doors chained shut.” Said Mr. Bradford

City of Toledo officials in conjunction with developer Larry Dillon have had the vision of Toledo’s Marina District for over 10 years now and at its current stage completion is slated for November of 2085. Mayor Carty Finkbeiner insisted the best thing for the city of Toledo was to tear down the Sports Arena to make way for a long standing pile of dirt and rubble which has now been turned into a gorgeous road going through an empty undeveloped field.

Upon realizing he had been locked into the Sports Arena and that no one was coming back Mr. Bradford helped himself to some leftover popcorn and had another beer.

“Once I realized I was locked in I thought what the hell, there is no where else I’d rather die than the Toledo Sports Arena”

Mr. Bradford, clad in his one size too small Storm jersey with matching yellow pit stains and the very common mustard and beer stain at the waist line, spent 3 years building his bunker underneath what engineers have determined would have been section 102.

“I just went around and gathered all the beer, popcorn, hot dogs, and Marcos pizzas I could find. I was actually doing really well down here until y’all had to come dig me up. I prolly had another 15 years worth of beer down there and at least 8 years of food left. Although the pizza was starting to get old”

Receipts recovered at the site show the Toledo Sports Arena had not purchased a keg of beer since the Turner Cup Championship year of 1983. Local scientist say all the beer served in the last 24 years at the Sports Arena had been fermenting in the basement and would explain why after two 64oz beers most fans were intoxicated beyond the point of coherent sentences and shed all regard of personal hygiene by the middle of the second period.

Upon extraditing Mr. Bradford officials informed him of the construction of the new Arena across the river on Huron St in downtown Toledo. A visibly upset Mr. Bradford was very disappointed to hear that the East Side has lost Toledo hockey and vowed to never attend another Storm game. Mr. Bradford was informed that Toledo’s newest hockey team would go by the Walleye.

“Really? The Walleye? Hell I love fishing, I’ll go but I aint buying no jersey, I’m just gonna wear my Amp Dale Jr. hat, shirt, and jacket and take my cowbell” he said

Toledo Mayor To Meet Mikey By The Flag Pole at 3:00 PM

Toledo, OH- Due to the recent release of a Youtube video in which Toledo Mayor Carty Finkbeiner is seeing calling a young man “Fatso” and “Fat Ass” a challenge was thrown down today by 15 year old Mikey Cochran after 3rd period English.

“At first I was going to let it slide but since Dante put the video online and the whole city has seen I have to keep my rep, so I passed a note to Becky Michaels, she passed it to Jessica DeSilivio, she dropped it in John Cooper’s locker and now it’s on”

Reports indicate the note challenged Mayor Finkbeiner to a fight by the flag pole of Libbey High School on Friday at 3:00pm.

“I have no worries about this young man, I mean I already stopped him from getting his fat ass beat once, I think I can take him, after all I am the Mayor. I have faced Marines, I called Mike Bell King Kong, I can take one overweight high school kid”

Reports inside One Government Center indicate Mayor Finkbeiner has issued an executive order for all employees to leave their coffee mugs on the 22nd floor by end of business today. Mayor Finkbeiner has a long history of using coffee mugs as weapons during verbal and physical altercations, as evident years ago during a disagreement with Erie Street Market vendor.

According to Toledo Public Schools Superintendent John Farley, Mayor Finkbeiner has tried to push the closing of Libbey High School up to noon this Friday in order to avoid the challenge of Mr. Cochran

Toledo Onion 2009 Cougar Special Section

Toledo Cougar Population On The Rise

Toledo, OH- With the upcoming warm weather and the number of divorces on the rise the population of Cougars in Toledo is set to reach new heights. Cougars who can usually be found in their natural habitat of downtown bars like The Blarney, Legends and the Navy Bistro patio are looking forward to the new crop of young guys who just turned 21 over the winter. While these young men turn 21 over the winter months Cougars tend to migrate and hibernate at places like Avenue Bistro in Sylvania honing their hunting skills on the slower much oblivious creepy old guys. However, once the warm weather returns these Cougars are ready to pounce.

Stephanie Comanz 42 of Sylvania said.

“ My girlfriends and I just cant wait for these summer months, we spend so many cold dreary nights in these big houses we got in the divorce all alone or with the occasional creepy business man who blows through town every couple of weeks that we just can’t wait to hunt down younger guys and bring them back home (den)”

Bars with patios are looking forward to the increase in business from the exploding cougar population.

“It’s always interesting when you get a group of cougars in here, they are just so carefree and spend their ex husbands money like it’s going out of style. You can usually spot a pack of cougars by the fake tans, recent plastic surgery, bleached blonde hair and horrible dance moves. Typically they are the ones singing very loudly and clapping out of tune to such bar favorites as Sweet Caroline, Save A Horse Ride a Cowboy, and Jack & Diane” said Blarney owner Ed Beczynski.

One major mis-conception of cougars is that they are already divorced. Many cougars have been known to engage in a night time hunt with their fellow cougar girl friends (Cougar Coalition) while their doctor, lawyer or CEO husband is out of town on business.

In the past 5 years the demand for cougars has been on the rise among the population of Toledo’s 20 something men.

When asked the question “Why are you attracted to Cougars?”

5% said “They are older and know what they are doing”
10% said “No games, they want one thing”
13% said “I was too drunk to remember”
22% said “My friends bet me a beer I couldn’t land her”
24.5% said “It’s just too easy”
14% said “She took advantage of me……….but I liked it
10% said “That’s all that’s here “

1.5% said “They remind me of my mom”, as of print these guys have begun therapy with Dr. Hohmstein.

When asked “What is a cougar?”

Nick Plots (23) said “A 35+ year old female who is on the "hunt" for a much younger, energetic, willing-to-do-anything male. The cougar can frequently be seen in a padded bra, cleavage exposed, propped up against a swanky bar in Toledo waiting, watching, calculating; gearing up to sink her claws into an innocent young and strapping buck who happens to cross her path. Man is cougar's number one prey

Jason DeMarko (22) said “Cougars are only usually interested in men under the age of twenty-five. Also, Cougars are non-committal, choosing to move from mate to mate without ever settling down. It is not uncommon for the same Cougar to attack (sleep with) many different men in the same group of friends. Furthermore, Cougars are older and more practiced in the ways of snaring a mate so they will rarely broadcast their intentions to sleep with you until you are already in her Jetta, headed for the condo she just acquired in the divorce. It is this elusive behavior that earns her the name”

Typically the target of a cougar is refered to as “Cougar Bait”

Seth Bartsol (25) says:
A male 21+ that has over sized arms and shoulders that has low or "adjustable" standards. Usually heard uttering the phrase "who am I to deny that hot older broad pleasure?"

A cougar is not born, a cougar is created over time and through lots of training, these women are refered to “Cougars in Training” or CIT’s. A woman in her mid twenties sharpening her skills for when she becomes a Cougar sometime in her mid thirties. CIT’s can be found at bars, clubs, social gatherings, or anywhere young male meat may congregate. They may roam alone or in packs at any given hour. Their levels of sleaze and devil may care attitude are not fully developed and therefore lack the natural instinct that overflows in their competitors, the cougars.

Cougar Drink List
Cosmopolitan
Any kind of fruity “..tini”
Cranberry & Vodka
Michelob Ultra

Cougar Theme Songs (Cougar Movers)
Sweet Caroline
Save a Horse Ride a Cowboy
Jack and Diane
Maneater
I love Rock N Roll
All Night Long
Me and Bobby Mcgee
Bust A Move
Baby Got Back

Rent A Center Employee Caught In Drug Raid

North Toledo-

Frank Gilliam of 4254 Devonshire and an employee of Rent A Center was setting up a T.V. at a house located on the 600 block of Doyle St in North Toledo around 9:30pm Sunday night when he suddenly found himself caught in the middle of a Toledo Police drug raid.

Mr. Gilliam on his second day of employment with RAC entered the house on Doyle St looking for Oscar Johnson who had rented the 68 inch TV for the NBA Playoffs.

“When I knocked on the door I heard a bunch of commotion inside and then a hand came out of the mail slot with a small white bag in it. I thought maybe he thought I was a trick or treater or something, but it was May so I quickly figured out what was going on” said Mr. Gilliam

Mr. Gilliam identified himself as Rent A Center and they occupants quickly let him in as the game was to start in just under 30 minutes.

“As soon as I walked in they offered me a 40 of King Cobra but I turned it down because the Rent A Center code of ethics clearly states that I can not be under the influence of any substance while wearing my blue shirt, we take a lot of pride in this shirt”

Oscar Johnson a 4 time felon has done time for possession, trafficking, domestic violence and possession of an unregistered firearm and is currently a person of interest in the 2006 slaying of a convenience store clerk.

As Mr. Gilliam moved the large screen TV into position a loud knock at the door, followed by screams of “police, police” and then glass shattering scared the 5ft 4in Gilliam into the corner where he laid as the raid was completed.

All the occupants of the house gave up without a fight except Mr. Johnson who fought with police for approx. 3 minutes. As the officers tried to subdue the 4 time felon a god awful smell engulfed the room.

“Man did you shit yo self?” asked Mr. Johnson of Mr. Gilliam.

Mr. Gilliam then jumped to his feet and ran outside to waiting police officers. Upon exiting the house the officers located on the front lawn could hear the taunts and laughs from the suspects directed towards Mr. Gilliam.

“I didn’t know what to do, I mean I’ve never seen anything like this, one minute I’m setting up a TV the next I’m on an episode of COPS, plus I had been at the St. Pats festival the night before and me and draft beer just don’t get along, I don’t know if I’m cut out for this job, I think I might just go start a soup shop or something.”

Toledoan Wins West African Lottery

East Toledo – We have all received the emails telling us that a prince or sheik in a far off land has billions of dollars to give away and “you” were selected in a random drawing to receive billions of dollars. If these emails make it past the spam filters we usually delete them as soon as they come up, but not Roy Jingeleski.

Mr. Jingeleski a laid off Jeep and worker and part time roofer was shocked last Wednesday morning when he checked his mailbox and found a check for $300,000,000

“I simply mailed the $3,000 to pay the taxes on the winnings. It seemed like a fair trade and you know how the tax man gets everybody even all the way up in Western Africa”.

Mr. Jingeleski has had very little luck winning anything his whole life

“The last time I won anything was in 5th grade at the St. Thomas Festival when I tossed the ping pong ball into the gold fish bowl, but when they gave me the fish it was already dead, I just have no luck”

Mr. Jingeleski took the check for $ 300,000,000 to AJ’s Carry Out on E. Broadway to cash in his winnings, unfortunately he was denied.

“Dat man is ca razy if he think we gonna cash dat check, I aint never seen that many zeros in my life man, we don’t keep dat kind of cash on hand” said Jeremy Zepson, a clerk at Aj’s

Next Mr. Jingeleski took the check to a local Cash ‘n Go and sadly they could not cash it either. His final stop was 5/3 Bank in downtown Toledo, where he was told he would have to wait for the check t o clear… 3 days.

Mr. Jingeleski used those three days to start compiling a list of his first major purchases.

“First I’m getting new T-Tops for my ’89 Camaro then I’m going to Rent a Center and just go crazy. I have wanted to throw a party for a while now and with this money I can have the nicest party E. Toledo has ever seen, I’m going get kegs of only the best beer, Keystone Light, Natty, Bud Ice, and I think I still have a keg of Red Dog in the basement. I’m going to rent the biggest TV Rent a Center has so the whole neighborhood can watch the race, and for those non drinkers I’m going to buy every flavor Faygo makes. This is going to be awesome.”

Mr. Jingeleski’s party will take place this Saturday at 43821 Nevada St. Please NO GORDON FANS!!!!

BCSN Wins Bid To Cover Cornhole Game at Mikes House.

Toledo, OH-

BCSN the leader and only local sports station in the greater Toledo area has won the exclusive rights to cover and broadcast the corn hole game at Mikes annual “Hamburgers, Chips, BYOB, Hot Dogs, BBQ, Solo Cups, Potatoe Salad and Bikini’s Backyard Extravaganza 2009”.

Mike Bettman a life long Toledoan and backyard party host extraordinaire received a letter back in December of 2008 from Block Communications asking for serious consideration in being the exclusive carrier for the upcoming 2009 blowout.

“When I got the letter I wasn’t surprised, my parties are legendary from the 1300-1900 block of Pinnacle St. Everyone knows that every year on the 3rd weekend in June this is the place to be”

BCSN a major supporter of High School athletics has decided to broaden their coverage of local events in the past year

“After High School football and basketball seasons are over it’s really hard to fill all of our time slots. We try to sprinkle in the occasional re-runs of curling and broomball games but only the real barn burners, and once we fill those slots we can only show so much of the amazing talent that is The Coach Tom Cole”, a BCSN spokesperson said

It is no secret around Toledo that the number one rated time slot for BCSN is between the hours of 2am and 5am when girl’s high school beach volleyball is broadcast. BCSN claims 77% of the market share in the “Dirty Old Man” demographic, trailed only by FOX Sports Net re run’s of the Hooters International Bikini Contest.

According to Mr. Bettman the bidding process was much tougher than he expected, with 4 bids to decide between the decision was not easy.

“Between BCSN, my neighbors Iphone, Jerry from down the street and Don one of my buddies from bowling it was a tough call. I eventually decided on BCSN under the condition that Tom Cole was not allowed anywhere near my house for commentating” Said Mr. Bettman

“This year is huge for my party, I have been rocking out since 1986 and they just keep getting better and better and I don’t know how much higher I can go. I have invited some of the neighborhood high schoolers this year because someone needs to teach these kids the art that is the backyard party.

Toledo Blade To Move To Comic Book Style Format

Toledo, OH- As the automotive industry collapses, printing cost rise and more and more people move towards the internet for their daily dose of information, the Toledo Blade has made the decision to stop their long track record of faulty reporting and mis- representation on local issues and move to a comic book format.

The Toledo Blade which claims to be “One of Americas Great Newspapers” has long been the go to source of information for Toledo area residents, it has long outlasted smaller upstarts like the Toledo News Bee and has survived with smaller papers like the Journal, City Paper, La Prensa, El Tiempo, etc. However, due to the ever increasing popularity of The Toledo Free Press and the rise in printing costs coupled with the lack of reporting skills and slower ad sales the Blade will only print Maumee Dearest and the once a day political cartoon by Kirk.

A letter from The Toledo Blade read:

“ The Toledeo Blade will move to a Comik Book style format beginning August 1st. We feel this new format will bring something new to Toledo and with the departure of Maryor Finkkbeiner we will not longer have someone guiding our story ideas. With the success of The Toledo Free Press and the obvious staying power of this internet thing, we feel we can contribute more to the Toledo area by provding very unfunny cartoons”

Scout Nervous About Upcoming Summer Months

Toledo, OH- Toledo Mayor Carty Finkbeiners’ beloved dog scout is terrified of the upcoming summer months and the very real possibility of the Mayor leaving him in the car with the windows rolled up. In a number of well publicized incidents over the last few years Mayor Carty Finkbeiner has left his loyal canine in the car with the windows up for hours on end.

Scout who is usually seen being walked around downtown Toledo by paid city workers said

“I know he has said he won’t do it again but every time we get in the car I wonder if this will be my last car ride, you just never know with this guy”

“I hear about all the dog fighting rings around Toledo and sometimes I’d rather be in a pit in a basement fighting for my life rather than just running down to the corner store with Carty”

Mayor Finkbeiner who participated in a Toledo Humane Society PSA after his last incident has sworn to be more attentive when riding with Scout. In a much publicized event last August Mayor Finkbeiner left Scout in the car while running with the air on, illegally parked outside a “Green” event.

“Even with the air running it still gets hot, the man is just evil. He once told me “it’s a good thing you’re fixed because if you had puppies I’d kick every one of them”. Thank god there are no baby seals in the Maumee, I have no doubt he would be out their clubbing them on a daily basis “, said Scout

Former Toledo Resident Claims Tornado Did Not Sound Like a Freight Train

Tupelo, MS- Former Toledo resident David Byers moved to Tupelo last year after the decline in the automotive market started to get serious. Mr. Byers a graduate of Bowsher High School secured a roofing job with a local firm and was excited by his new opportunity.

“I have always been really handy and I figured what a better place to get a roofing job than Tornado Alley” said Byers

That all changed around 1:30 pm on Tuesday April 28th. An F4 Tornado ripped through the modest subdivision of Willow Woods; the twister moved cars and ripped houses to pieces

“I was in my garage getting tools for the next job when the skies turned black and I looked out of my garage and saw the twister coming straight for me. My original reaction was to run to the basement but when I arrived in MS they told me you have to run around and chase the storms because you never know when you could end up on one of those Extreme Video shows on TNT or Spike., and once you’re on that you’re a star at the local diner for the rest of the storm season”

The storm had already made its way through 3 other towns and clean up was already under way as TV crews converged on the scene.

“After the storm there were reporters everywhere looking for an interview but no one wanted to hear what I had to say. The first reporter said I wasn’t good for TV because I had all of my teeth, the second said I didn’t have a beer in my hand or a NASCAR shirt on so I wasn’t able to be on TV. Then, when the third asked me what it sounded like and I said a convoy of semi trucks she nearly punched me and said she was going to report me to Sheriff Thompson” said Byers

F4 Tornados which are just behind F5’s in severity are often compared to the sound of a freight train coming down the tracks.

When asked if he would be consider moving back to Toledo after this recent event Mr. Byers said

“Are you kidding me? Between no police, the mayor throwing cups at people, unemployment, gangs, and an irregular garbage pick up schedule………I’ll take my chances here in Tornado Alley”

Reg Hanson: Enough is Enough (Opinion)

Your friends do not want to play your Nintendo Wii anymore

Last Friday night there was a party at Michael Wayne’s house and no one came.
The reason: The Nintendo Wii.

Once thought to be the life of the party everyone is tired of Bowling, Tennis and whatever the hell else is on that disc. I know that it was a blast to get up there and watch Grandma make a complete jackass of herself trying to bowl or it was awkward to see your buddy’s girlfriend doing the Hula Hoop on the Wii Fit Balance Board. It was a wild ride and everyone had some laughs but its time to stop focusing your entire party on it.

Find something else to do and no this does mean switch to Guitar Hero or its brother Rock Band. That’s all we need is some of your asshole friend trying to bang the sticks on the drum, the cool guy guitaring and finding someone drunk enough to sing. Lets try to get back to basics and get a deck of cards for a game of asshole and who doesn’t like a good game of Beer Pong. So let’s put the Wii mote down and focus on having a good party for a change.

TOLEDO ONION EXCLUSIVE: Police Layoffs

In a late breaking development the Toledo Onion has received the letter that Mayor Finkbeiner has sent to the Toledo Police Patrolmans Union.



Dear Scum Sucker:

These are the concessions that the City of Toledo would like to see the Police Department take to keep all Police Officers working:

1. Replace tazers with (2) 9-volt batteries that they can have the criminals lick
2. Institute a “bring it back on full” policy. Just like when you were 16 and borrowed the car.
3. The morning shift deliver the Toledo Blade while on patrol
4. Sell sponsorships for the side of the cars and patches for the uniforms. Who wouldn’t like to be pulled over by Toft’s Ice Cream Police Car?
5. Officers will use Mud Hens Mini-bats instead of batons
6. Horses from the mounted patrol will be raced at Raceway Park to earn extra revenue.
7. Bike Patrol will now be year round (even in the winter months)
8. Police Training will now be done with Call of Duty: World at War on the Playstation 3

9. Mounted Patrol will carry lasso's in place of firearms.

10. Officers will sell confiscated drugs back to the dealers, thereby creating a constant stream of extra revenue

This a take it or leave it kind of policy. If you don’t accept it I will continue to bash you in the media and not bring Amy’s famous potato salad to the Police Picnic.

Sincerely yours,

His Highness:
Carty

Toledo: Come for the Criminal Activity, stay for the faulty leadership.

Konop Calls For Citizens To Step Up

Toledo, OH- Mayoral candidate Ben Konop who made waves with his suggestion for refuse collectors to act as neighborhood watch dogs while performing their regular dutys has called upon another group.

Mr. Konop has called upon recent graduates of the decades old Safe-T-City program to step up and do their part.

Safe-T-City is a child pedestrian and traffic safety program combined with a life safety course. This program is conducted for children entering kindergarten in the up-coming school year. Safe-T-City includes classroom instruction and outdoor practice in a miniature city complete with streets, sidewalks, small buildings, traffic lights and stop signs.

The children are assigned to classes (no more than 18 children per class) with a certified instructor. During the 20 hour course the children learn, through participation, in a setting of simulated real-life situations. Guest speakers from different community agencies help the children learn through songs, poems, art projects, stories and movies. Police officers teach pedestrian safety on the streets of Safe-T-City. The different lessons provide an enjoyable learning experience.

“I believe it’s never to early to start these kids on law enforcement techniques. Currently I’m trying to secure funding that will expand the program to include undercover surveillance techniques, self defense, and firearms training.” Said Mr. Konop.

5/3 Field Shocked At Spike In Beer Sales

Downtown Toledo- Officials at 5/3 Field are surprised at the recent spike in beer sales during the two school day games held Monday and Wednesday this week. School day games being at 10:30 and allow school kids of all ages to attend games in lieu of their regular class time.

“At first we thought maybe the parents and chaperones of the kids were drinking heavily in order to cope with chasing these little shits around and having them “scream for some ice cream” every 5 minutes” said Food & Beverage Manager Jason Dura

Beer sales spiked a whopping 14% on Monday and 9% on Wednesday.

Timmy O’Brien a 4th grader at Shoreland Elementary said:
“There’s nothing like coming to the ball park and grabbing a couple of beers with the boys and watching the girls climb around on the playground in centerfield. It’s the perfect set up for us kids, we can’t drive and we took a bus down here, we have chaperones to make sure we don’t get hit by a car as we stumble back to the bus and with the recent police lay offs there aren’t enough cops around to watch us, it’s great”

Students all over could be seen drinking beers out of “Sippy cups” and the regular beer cups for those that were strong enough to hold them.

“We look forward to these games all school year, we plan for it, I ate a lot of bread last night just so my body would have something to soak up all the beer I knew I was going to drink today, there’s nothing worse than trying to finger paint hung over” said Brian Ducatt a kindergartner at Glendale Fielbach Elementary.

Some of the older students have their own reasons for looking forward to the Hens day games, while some do enjoy a good baseball game others have a greater need for the day.

Brian Johnson a 6th grader at Walker Elementary said:
“It’s the end of the year and Becky Williams has been chasing me the whole school year and I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I mean look at her. So since I’m going off to Jr. High next year and there is only a week or so left of school I figured what the hell. Now I just have to drink that poor thing pretty”

Despite the stigma that comes with having school kids getting drunk at Mud Hens games officials say there is no intention of stepping up enforcement, in this economy every dollar counts.

Ottawa Hills Residents Shocked To Find Real Crime Exists

Ottawa Hills, OH-

Late Tuesday morning a very disturbed man took his wife hostage at Sunset Home, a retirement community located at 4030 Indian Rd. Michael Swiregosz entered the Sunset Retirement Community and took his estranged wife hostage causing area schools and homes to be evacuated. Law enforcement agencies from around the area convened on the sleepy affluent village located in West Toledo. St.Ursula Acedemy, Ottawa Hills High School, Jr. High and Elementary Schools were all evacuated in order to ensure the safety of the students. Linda Madison a resident of 4016 Indian Rd was shocked when she heard what was happening just down the street from her 3 bedroom $500,000.00 ranch home.

“ I heard sirens and I looked out my window and saw lots of police cars and a big truck that said S.W.A.T on the side go past my house, I just couldn’t believe in it. These types of things only happen in the inner city and movies” said Mrs. Madison.

Toledo Police, Lucas County Sheriff, and the Ottawa Hills Police Department were all involved in the 3 hour standoff which ended when Mr. Swiregosz put down his weapon and surrendered to police.

“ I called my husband who was just teeing off at Inverness and told him what was happening. He didn’t believe me at first but after he heard the sirens he came rushing home”- Mrs. Madison

“When I got the call from my wife we had just walked up to the first tee, at first I didn’t believe her. I mean come on this type of thing doesn’t happen this far down Dorr St. I heard the sirens in the background and I jumped in my Lexus and rushed home. Thankfully when I got there the police had him surrounded. I just never though this type of thing would happen in Ottawa Hills. You usually only hear about things like this in rough cities like Sylvania and Perrysburg” said Mr. Madison

According to the most recent crime report released by OHPD only 5 crimes were reported in Ottawa Hills in all of 2008. 3 people were reported to be going 28 mph, one person was stopped for a DUI when they got lost coming out of Arnies. The biggest scare occurred on March 13, 2008 when an east sider actually entered Ottawa Hills to pick up his girlfriend from St. Ursula.

As the standoff ended Ottawa Hills residents were relieved to find that no one was hurt and vowed to build a wall around their village to keep all of these working folks out.

TOLEDO ONION EXCLUSIVE: Local Stripper Admits She Is Not Paying For College

Toledo, OH-

In an exclusive interview with Stephanie Samson (Aka: Sinderella) a stripper at Deja Vu Gentlemans Club, she admits that despite 5 years of telling customers she is just trying to pay for college it was all a lie.

Toledo Onion: So Why the change of heart Stephanie, I'm sorry......Sinderella?

SS: It's ok, you can call me Stephanie, when the lights come on and the glitter comes off I'm just Stephanie the little girl from Sylvania, OH

TO: So why the change of heart?

SS: Well for the last 5 years I feel like I've been living a lie, night after night while grinding against the crotches of numerous married men, dirty bikers, and 18 year old boys that can get wood at the sniff of my white rain shampoo I just feel the need to come clean.

TO: How did you get involved in stripping?

SS: Actually I prefer to call it performing.

TO: Lets be honest.....The Nutcracker is a performance, you're a stripper....continue.

SS: Well one night when I was 18 me and some of my friends (we had fake ID's) went to a bar up on Alexis and they were having a wet T-shirt contest and I entered. It was me, Kathy the waitress who has been there for like 25 years, some biker chick, some girl that was just singing Karaoke and didn't get off stage and some drunk fat guy. Well needless to say at 18 years old I won hands down. It was then that I realized that I really had something special. Well I went home that night and turned on BET Uncut.........you know the almost porn music videos on late at night........well I just watched like 5 of those videos and I figured I could do it. The following Wednesday after much discussion with my new friends from the bar, Rocco, Harley, Charlie, and Vince (all Iron Coffins), I came up here for Amateur Night and I was hooked.

It was the first time I ever won anything and the attention along with the $50 I won gave me a high like never before. Ricky the manager said I could be a big star just from the looks of him I knew he was right. I mean who wouldn't trust a guy with slicked back hair and more gold chains than Mr. T. You don't get all that not being able to recognize true talent.

TO: So after you got hired, then what?

SS: Well after I got hired I spent the next 3 weeks trying to build my client base and avoid fights with the other girls in the dressing room.

TO: Client base?

SS: Ohhh yeah for sure, I like to think of myself as someone similar to a finance person, which is why I planned on enrolling in college for finance. I was the highest grossing dancer by my second month. I had all the regulars, and was actually starting to get my name out their on the Bachelor Party circuit.

TO: Bachelor Party circuit?

SS: Ohhh yeah for sure, its very cutthroat out there, you have to be at the top of your game to not only make it but to stay on it. Trust me one drunk bachelor and his 10 free loading friends are very picky, they only want the hottest girls to embarrass their friend and scam the group out of all their money.

Plus I had so many offers from these guys, it was awesome. One guy offered to buy me Lexus, another offered to take me to Hawaii, and one even said he would marry me right there on the spot. I couldn't believe it, I mean he had only known me for like 2 songs, it was a 2 for 1 special, but I think he thought I cut him a deal.....He he he he he.

TO: So where did the college part come into play?

SS: Well once I had all this money I figured I better know how to save it and spend it, I mean you can only buy so many G-Strings and clear heels, after a while you need to save for important things, like spinning rims for my neon, a new Louis Vuitton purse that one of my customers said he could get me really cheap or even something like my own pole to practice at home, which really could be a tax write off since it's for my business. So I was looking at the UT catalog one day in between sets and..........................................................................

Just then a voice boomed over the speakers

"Gentleman next on the main stage, put your hands together for Sinderellllllllllllaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!"

To Be Continued.........

UT Student May Have Contracted Swine Flu on Spring Break

Toledo, OH, UT Campus: The Student Health Center at The University of Toledo has recently reported that Jennifer Franklin a Pre-Med Major and member of Delta Delta Delta may have contracted swine flu while on vacation in Cancun, Mexico. It was reported that Ms. Franklin returned from vacation and felt fine but recently has had an upset stomach, running nose, a fever and "itching". Ms. Franklin reportedly had no contact with any swine or animals while on vacation and in fact consumed so much alcohol in one week that any possible virus would have been killed almost immediatley. Despite these factors Ms. Franklin is convinced it's Swine Flu.

"She like totally has it, I would know I'm in Bio 103, she has like a running nose and stuff and she like has been really sick at breakfast and um she like........ don't tell anyone but it burns when she pees" said Becky Dynex

Ms. Franklin is still waiting for the final results of her Swine Flu test to come back but it has been reported that she attended Ladies Night at Chasers last Wednesday and was seen doing the Walk of Shame Thursday morning across the parking lot of Rocket Hall.

General Motors To Have Bake Sale

Detroit, MI –

In an unprecedented move by a major corporation, General Motors has decided to host a bake sale on May 1, 2009 to raise capital needed to keep the company afloat. Industry experts heralded the move as “genius”, saying “if it can pay for an entire Little League, why can’t it work for what was once the largest corporation in the world?” GM explains this new capital strategy by referencing millions of times people have used Bake Sales to help people in dire financial straits. “ If a community can have a Bake Sale and re-build someone’s burned down home and replace all of their possessions with the proceeds, why can’t GM do the same?” GM sources were also quick to point out that if the Bake Sale idea pans out they will be coming after the bread and butter of cash raising – Girl Scout Cookies. “Hey, you never see the Girl Scouts needing cash, those cookies are good and they sell like legal crack, and we want in on that cash cow, you can bet your sweet ass you’ll be seeing GM Cookies all over the place.” When asked why doesn’t GM doesn’t just produce quality vehicles at a fair price to keep the company afloat, we were told “we feel the Bake Sale idea is a better way to go for the company.”





-Bill Brasky

Mud Hens Opening Day Poll

Downtown Toledo:

10%-Are still trying to cash out their tab at the Blarney and Pizza Papalis
7% - Are lost on 1 way streets
11% -Got in line for the bathroom and missed the whole game
9% - Felt that 4 Souvenir Mud Hens Cups make an excellent wedding gift
4% - Said they may have punched a mayoral candidate
13% - Signed a petition that they have no idea what it was for
5% - Never sat in their seat
6% - Asked us where they parked
37%- Could not tell us the score or for that matter who the Hens Played

Nurses Excited About Police Layoffs

Toledo, OH:

Due to the recent announcement of massive budget cuts and layoffs in the Toledo Police Department many citizens are concerned about the possibility of an increase in crime. However, nurses at St. Vincent's Medical Center are looking forward to the possibility of an increase in business. Julia Jackson a third shift Charge Nurse says the entire nursing staff is excited that they might have to treat "real" cases.

" After a while you just get bored with kids with broken bones, and black eyes from bar fights, every once in while you need a good stabbing or a multiple gunshot to walk, crawl, or be wheeled through the door" said Ms. Jackson

According to medical records the number of gun shot and stab wounds has risen slightly in recent months but most of that is attributed to the recent warmer weather. With these budget cuts and summer approaching crime should hit an all new high and without the threat of police involvement criminals will have more time to assault their victims.

Charles Dawson a local drug dealer (Street Pharmacist) and home invasion expert is equally excited about the budget cuts.

" In the past if someone stiffed me on a drug deal I'd either have to plan my retaliation or quickly assault them and get out of there before the five O's rolled up on me. Now I can really fuck someone up and get my money back right on the spot" said Mr. Dawson

"Hell I might even start assaulting random people on the street for they wallets and whatever else they gots" added Mr. Dawson

According to Ms. Jackson crimes like those committed by Mr. Dawson are usually the type that produce the best cases for the nurses.

"It really gets you going when your shift starts to drag and an innocent person is brought through the door with their face slashed from ear to mouth, a deep cut in the femoral artery and then when you find out they have massive head trauma it just makes your night. The best part though is when you have to tell the family of innocent victims about their injuries, it just makes you as a nurse feel good"

Doctors are excited about the increase in business as well. Between drags of his cigarette Dr. Gregory Watson a Pulmonary and Respiratory specialist said

" Lately its been the normal lung cancer type of cases, it's been awhile since we have had a collapsed lung due to a random shooting, those are our favorite up here, it really makes have to think on your feet"

Mayoral Race Producing Heros Every Week

Toledo, OH:

Showing that he will not be outdone in his bid for mayor, Republican Candidate Jim Moody has placed himself on the same level as former Fire Chief and fellow candidate Mike Bell.

In the early morning hours of Monday April 6th Jim Moody stopped at a local BP only to find 18 year old Darren Wilkins holding a gun to cashier Jill Williams. Upon entering the store Mr. Moody saw the events unfolding and ran our screaming like a little girl, as he reached his car he remembered he was running for mayor and the allure of votes took him back into the store and right into the face of danger. As Mr. Moody approached the 18 yr old Wilkins and tried to talk the youngster out of store, Mr. Wilkins turned and pointed the gun at Mr. Moody.

"I'm not going to lie, I was scared but even with the gun in my face I reached down and rubbed my WWBD (What Would Bell Do) bracelet and that gave me all the courage I needed" said Moody.

As Mr. Wilkins demanded Mr. Moody step back the 47 years old Williams fled the store and called 911. Mr. Moody then disarmed the gunman with a quick kick to the shins and chop to the foreman. As the gun slid to the floor a scared Mr. Wilkins fled the scene.

Mr. Moody waited around for 4 1/2 hours for the police to arrive but unfortunately due to budget cuts Toledo Police response time has been increased to anywhere between 36 and 48 hours.