Delaneys Lounge To Add 6 More Causes/Petitions This Summer

Toledo,OH-

Delaneys Lounge on Alexis Road has announced plans to support and organize six new causes for the upcoming summer season. Jim Delaney who has never met a petition he didn’t like has released the names of causes that he and his committee have decided to support between June and September of 2009. Ban Red Light Cameras, Save The Pandas, Smokers For Kids, Karaoke Reform, Recall Jack Ford, and most recently has taken up the cause of overthrowing the current government in Iran.

Mr. Delaney who has long been seen as a community activist that stands up for the rights of the little guy says he and his team believe these are the causes most important to Toledoans this summer.
” After the team sat down over three cartons of Marlboro Red’s we came up with this list that we think will really impact and drive Toledo this summer, these damn politicians don’t have a clue what is going on and we intend to bring these issues to the forefront and force these morons to face the music” said Delaney

When asked about the committee’s recent decision to support the protesters in Iran Mr. Delaney said

“ Well our damn President sure as hell ain’t gonna say nothing and we feel that the support those Iranians feel from North Toledo will give them the strength to overthrow that Supreme Leader dickhead”

Mr. Delaney’s Committee consists of five members. Tom Watkins- the guy who always sings Journey, Jeff Grabson- the creepy guy at the end of the bar in the cowboy hat, Michael “Sharkey” Dura- resident pool shark, Lynn Payment- bartender and Daniel “Danny Boy” Danielson- former millionaire until he lost everything to the smoking ban even though he has never owned a bar.

When asked what made him qualified as a community activist Mr. Delaney said
“Anyone can be a community activist and I believe I have an advantage because who is better equipped to identify the needs of the community than someone who sits in a dark and smoky bar 24/7, I hear it all from my customers, most have been coming in here everyday for the last 28 years, they really have the pulse of the community”.

Area Teen Breaks Up With Girlfriend Via Facebook

Sylvania, OH-

In breaking news Chris Mathews a Sophmore at Southview High School has apparently broken up with Jessica Detaon via facebook. Sources close to the couple say that at approximately 11:45pm on Tuesday night Mr. Mathews changed his relationship status to “Single”. This sent shockwaves through the couples 36 mutual friends. Immediatley comments flooded both parties pages. Many expressions of sympathy were sent out to Ms. Detaon while Mr. Mathews was reportedly threatened by the whole JV Cheer Leading Squad.

When reached for comment Mr. Mathews said

“ I don’t see what the big deal is, I mean I never see her much during the summer anyways, I’m usually at the cottage on Devils Lake and she is always hanging around with those wannabe cheerleaders, I mean they aren’t even Varsity for christ sakes, they are one level above Flag Corps”

Ms. Detaon could not be reached for comment but this is reportedly the “End of the world”

Last Remaining Storm Fan Found

Toledo, OH-

On the site of the future Marina District crews have found a bunker containing the last remaining Toledo Storm fan. East Toledoan Jim Bradford was found late Wednesday afternoon. Crews discovered Mr. Bradford while digging sewer lines on the site of the former Toledo Sports Arena.

Mr. Bradford a lifelong Toledo hockey fan built his bunker over a period of 3 months following the last Toledo Storm home game in April of 2007.

“After the game I was in the River Dome Lounge and I had to take a leak, when I came out of the bathroom all the lights were off and everyone was gone. I tried to get out but they had the doors chained shut.” Said Mr. Bradford

City of Toledo officials in conjunction with developer Larry Dillon have had the vision of Toledo’s Marina District for over 10 years now and at its current stage completion is slated for November of 2085. Mayor Carty Finkbeiner insisted the best thing for the city of Toledo was to tear down the Sports Arena to make way for a long standing pile of dirt and rubble which has now been turned into a gorgeous road going through an empty undeveloped field.

Upon realizing he had been locked into the Sports Arena and that no one was coming back Mr. Bradford helped himself to some leftover popcorn and had another beer.

“Once I realized I was locked in I thought what the hell, there is no where else I’d rather die than the Toledo Sports Arena”

Mr. Bradford, clad in his one size too small Storm jersey with matching yellow pit stains and the very common mustard and beer stain at the waist line, spent 3 years building his bunker underneath what engineers have determined would have been section 102.

“I just went around and gathered all the beer, popcorn, hot dogs, and Marcos pizzas I could find. I was actually doing really well down here until y’all had to come dig me up. I prolly had another 15 years worth of beer down there and at least 8 years of food left. Although the pizza was starting to get old”

Receipts recovered at the site show the Toledo Sports Arena had not purchased a keg of beer since the Turner Cup Championship year of 1983. Local scientist say all the beer served in the last 24 years at the Sports Arena had been fermenting in the basement and would explain why after two 64oz beers most fans were intoxicated beyond the point of coherent sentences and shed all regard of personal hygiene by the middle of the second period.

Upon extraditing Mr. Bradford officials informed him of the construction of the new Arena across the river on Huron St in downtown Toledo. A visibly upset Mr. Bradford was very disappointed to hear that the East Side has lost Toledo hockey and vowed to never attend another Storm game. Mr. Bradford was informed that Toledo’s newest hockey team would go by the Walleye.

“Really? The Walleye? Hell I love fishing, I’ll go but I aint buying no jersey, I’m just gonna wear my Amp Dale Jr. hat, shirt, and jacket and take my cowbell” he said

Toledo Mayor To Meet Mikey By The Flag Pole at 3:00 PM

Toledo, OH- Due to the recent release of a Youtube video in which Toledo Mayor Carty Finkbeiner is seeing calling a young man “Fatso” and “Fat Ass” a challenge was thrown down today by 15 year old Mikey Cochran after 3rd period English.

“At first I was going to let it slide but since Dante put the video online and the whole city has seen I have to keep my rep, so I passed a note to Becky Michaels, she passed it to Jessica DeSilivio, she dropped it in John Cooper’s locker and now it’s on”

Reports indicate the note challenged Mayor Finkbeiner to a fight by the flag pole of Libbey High School on Friday at 3:00pm.

“I have no worries about this young man, I mean I already stopped him from getting his fat ass beat once, I think I can take him, after all I am the Mayor. I have faced Marines, I called Mike Bell King Kong, I can take one overweight high school kid”

Reports inside One Government Center indicate Mayor Finkbeiner has issued an executive order for all employees to leave their coffee mugs on the 22nd floor by end of business today. Mayor Finkbeiner has a long history of using coffee mugs as weapons during verbal and physical altercations, as evident years ago during a disagreement with Erie Street Market vendor.

According to Toledo Public Schools Superintendent John Farley, Mayor Finkbeiner has tried to push the closing of Libbey High School up to noon this Friday in order to avoid the challenge of Mr. Cochran

Toledo Onion 2009 Cougar Special Section

Toledo Cougar Population On The Rise

Toledo, OH- With the upcoming warm weather and the number of divorces on the rise the population of Cougars in Toledo is set to reach new heights. Cougars who can usually be found in their natural habitat of downtown bars like The Blarney, Legends and the Navy Bistro patio are looking forward to the new crop of young guys who just turned 21 over the winter. While these young men turn 21 over the winter months Cougars tend to migrate and hibernate at places like Avenue Bistro in Sylvania honing their hunting skills on the slower much oblivious creepy old guys. However, once the warm weather returns these Cougars are ready to pounce.

Stephanie Comanz 42 of Sylvania said.

“ My girlfriends and I just cant wait for these summer months, we spend so many cold dreary nights in these big houses we got in the divorce all alone or with the occasional creepy business man who blows through town every couple of weeks that we just can’t wait to hunt down younger guys and bring them back home (den)”

Bars with patios are looking forward to the increase in business from the exploding cougar population.

“It’s always interesting when you get a group of cougars in here, they are just so carefree and spend their ex husbands money like it’s going out of style. You can usually spot a pack of cougars by the fake tans, recent plastic surgery, bleached blonde hair and horrible dance moves. Typically they are the ones singing very loudly and clapping out of tune to such bar favorites as Sweet Caroline, Save A Horse Ride a Cowboy, and Jack & Diane” said Blarney owner Ed Beczynski.

One major mis-conception of cougars is that they are already divorced. Many cougars have been known to engage in a night time hunt with their fellow cougar girl friends (Cougar Coalition) while their doctor, lawyer or CEO husband is out of town on business.

In the past 5 years the demand for cougars has been on the rise among the population of Toledo’s 20 something men.

When asked the question “Why are you attracted to Cougars?”

5% said “They are older and know what they are doing”
10% said “No games, they want one thing”
13% said “I was too drunk to remember”
22% said “My friends bet me a beer I couldn’t land her”
24.5% said “It’s just too easy”
14% said “She took advantage of me……….but I liked it
10% said “That’s all that’s here “

1.5% said “They remind me of my mom”, as of print these guys have begun therapy with Dr. Hohmstein.

When asked “What is a cougar?”

Nick Plots (23) said “A 35+ year old female who is on the "hunt" for a much younger, energetic, willing-to-do-anything male. The cougar can frequently be seen in a padded bra, cleavage exposed, propped up against a swanky bar in Toledo waiting, watching, calculating; gearing up to sink her claws into an innocent young and strapping buck who happens to cross her path. Man is cougar's number one prey

Jason DeMarko (22) said “Cougars are only usually interested in men under the age of twenty-five. Also, Cougars are non-committal, choosing to move from mate to mate without ever settling down. It is not uncommon for the same Cougar to attack (sleep with) many different men in the same group of friends. Furthermore, Cougars are older and more practiced in the ways of snaring a mate so they will rarely broadcast their intentions to sleep with you until you are already in her Jetta, headed for the condo she just acquired in the divorce. It is this elusive behavior that earns her the name”

Typically the target of a cougar is refered to as “Cougar Bait”

Seth Bartsol (25) says:
A male 21+ that has over sized arms and shoulders that has low or "adjustable" standards. Usually heard uttering the phrase "who am I to deny that hot older broad pleasure?"

A cougar is not born, a cougar is created over time and through lots of training, these women are refered to “Cougars in Training” or CIT’s. A woman in her mid twenties sharpening her skills for when she becomes a Cougar sometime in her mid thirties. CIT’s can be found at bars, clubs, social gatherings, or anywhere young male meat may congregate. They may roam alone or in packs at any given hour. Their levels of sleaze and devil may care attitude are not fully developed and therefore lack the natural instinct that overflows in their competitors, the cougars.

Cougar Drink List
Cosmopolitan
Any kind of fruity “..tini”
Cranberry & Vodka
Michelob Ultra

Cougar Theme Songs (Cougar Movers)
Sweet Caroline
Save a Horse Ride a Cowboy
Jack and Diane
Maneater
I love Rock N Roll
All Night Long
Me and Bobby Mcgee
Bust A Move
Baby Got Back

Rent A Center Employee Caught In Drug Raid

North Toledo-

Frank Gilliam of 4254 Devonshire and an employee of Rent A Center was setting up a T.V. at a house located on the 600 block of Doyle St in North Toledo around 9:30pm Sunday night when he suddenly found himself caught in the middle of a Toledo Police drug raid.

Mr. Gilliam on his second day of employment with RAC entered the house on Doyle St looking for Oscar Johnson who had rented the 68 inch TV for the NBA Playoffs.

“When I knocked on the door I heard a bunch of commotion inside and then a hand came out of the mail slot with a small white bag in it. I thought maybe he thought I was a trick or treater or something, but it was May so I quickly figured out what was going on” said Mr. Gilliam

Mr. Gilliam identified himself as Rent A Center and they occupants quickly let him in as the game was to start in just under 30 minutes.

“As soon as I walked in they offered me a 40 of King Cobra but I turned it down because the Rent A Center code of ethics clearly states that I can not be under the influence of any substance while wearing my blue shirt, we take a lot of pride in this shirt”

Oscar Johnson a 4 time felon has done time for possession, trafficking, domestic violence and possession of an unregistered firearm and is currently a person of interest in the 2006 slaying of a convenience store clerk.

As Mr. Gilliam moved the large screen TV into position a loud knock at the door, followed by screams of “police, police” and then glass shattering scared the 5ft 4in Gilliam into the corner where he laid as the raid was completed.

All the occupants of the house gave up without a fight except Mr. Johnson who fought with police for approx. 3 minutes. As the officers tried to subdue the 4 time felon a god awful smell engulfed the room.

“Man did you shit yo self?” asked Mr. Johnson of Mr. Gilliam.

Mr. Gilliam then jumped to his feet and ran outside to waiting police officers. Upon exiting the house the officers located on the front lawn could hear the taunts and laughs from the suspects directed towards Mr. Gilliam.

“I didn’t know what to do, I mean I’ve never seen anything like this, one minute I’m setting up a TV the next I’m on an episode of COPS, plus I had been at the St. Pats festival the night before and me and draft beer just don’t get along, I don’t know if I’m cut out for this job, I think I might just go start a soup shop or something.”

Toledoan Wins West African Lottery

East Toledo – We have all received the emails telling us that a prince or sheik in a far off land has billions of dollars to give away and “you” were selected in a random drawing to receive billions of dollars. If these emails make it past the spam filters we usually delete them as soon as they come up, but not Roy Jingeleski.

Mr. Jingeleski a laid off Jeep and worker and part time roofer was shocked last Wednesday morning when he checked his mailbox and found a check for $300,000,000

“I simply mailed the $3,000 to pay the taxes on the winnings. It seemed like a fair trade and you know how the tax man gets everybody even all the way up in Western Africa”.

Mr. Jingeleski has had very little luck winning anything his whole life

“The last time I won anything was in 5th grade at the St. Thomas Festival when I tossed the ping pong ball into the gold fish bowl, but when they gave me the fish it was already dead, I just have no luck”

Mr. Jingeleski took the check for $ 300,000,000 to AJ’s Carry Out on E. Broadway to cash in his winnings, unfortunately he was denied.

“Dat man is ca razy if he think we gonna cash dat check, I aint never seen that many zeros in my life man, we don’t keep dat kind of cash on hand” said Jeremy Zepson, a clerk at Aj’s

Next Mr. Jingeleski took the check to a local Cash ‘n Go and sadly they could not cash it either. His final stop was 5/3 Bank in downtown Toledo, where he was told he would have to wait for the check t o clear… 3 days.

Mr. Jingeleski used those three days to start compiling a list of his first major purchases.

“First I’m getting new T-Tops for my ’89 Camaro then I’m going to Rent a Center and just go crazy. I have wanted to throw a party for a while now and with this money I can have the nicest party E. Toledo has ever seen, I’m going get kegs of only the best beer, Keystone Light, Natty, Bud Ice, and I think I still have a keg of Red Dog in the basement. I’m going to rent the biggest TV Rent a Center has so the whole neighborhood can watch the race, and for those non drinkers I’m going to buy every flavor Faygo makes. This is going to be awesome.”

Mr. Jingeleski’s party will take place this Saturday at 43821 Nevada St. Please NO GORDON FANS!!!!