Thursday, June 4, 2009

Toledo Onion 2009 Cougar Special Section




Toledo Cougar Population On The Rise

Toledo, OH- With the upcoming warm weather and the number of divorces on the rise the population of Cougars in Toledo is set to reach new heights. Cougars who can usually be found in their natural habitat of downtown bars like The Blarney, Legends and the Navy Bistro patio are looking forward to the new crop of young guys who just turned 21 over the winter. While these young men turn 21 over the winter months Cougars tend to migrate and hibernate at places like Avenue Bistro in Sylvania honing their hunting skills on the slower much oblivious creepy old guys. However, once the warm weather returns these Cougars are ready to pounce.

Stephanie Comanz 42 of Sylvania said.

“ My girlfriends and I just cant wait for these summer months, we spend so many cold dreary nights in these big houses we got in the divorce all alone or with the occasional creepy business man who blows through town every couple of weeks that we just can’t wait to hunt down younger guys and bring them back home (den)”

Bars with patios are looking forward to the increase in business from the exploding cougar population.

“It’s always interesting when you get a group of cougars in here, they are just so carefree and spend their ex husbands money like it’s going out of style. You can usually spot a pack of cougars by the fake tans, recent plastic surgery, bleached blonde hair and horrible dance moves. Typically they are the ones singing very loudly and clapping out of tune to such bar favorites as Sweet Caroline, Save A Horse Ride a Cowboy, and Jack & Diane” said Blarney owner Ed Beczynski.

One major mis-conception of cougars is that they are already divorced. Many cougars have been known to engage in a night time hunt with their fellow cougar girl friends (Cougar Coalition) while their doctor, lawyer or CEO husband is out of town on business.

In the past 5 years the demand for cougars has been on the rise among the population of Toledo’s 20 something men.

When asked the question “Why are you attracted to Cougars?”

5% said “They are older and know what they are doing”
10% said “No games, they want one thing”
13% said “I was too drunk to remember”
22% said “My friends bet me a beer I couldn’t land her”
24.5% said “It’s just too easy”
14% said “She took advantage of me……….but I liked it
10% said “That’s all that’s here “

1.5% said “They remind me of my mom”, as of print these guys have begun therapy with Dr. Hohmstein.

When asked “What is a cougar?”

Nick Plots (23) said “A 35+ year old female who is on the "hunt" for a much younger, energetic, willing-to-do-anything male. The cougar can frequently be seen in a padded bra, cleavage exposed, propped up against a swanky bar in Toledo waiting, watching, calculating; gearing up to sink her claws into an innocent young and strapping buck who happens to cross her path. Man is cougar's number one prey

Jason DeMarko (22) said “Cougars are only usually interested in men under the age of twenty-five. Also, Cougars are non-committal, choosing to move from mate to mate without ever settling down. It is not uncommon for the same Cougar to attack (sleep with) many different men in the same group of friends. Furthermore, Cougars are older and more practiced in the ways of snaring a mate so they will rarely broadcast their intentions to sleep with you until you are already in her Jetta, headed for the condo she just acquired in the divorce. It is this elusive behavior that earns her the name”

Typically the target of a cougar is refered to as “Cougar Bait
Seth Bartsol (25) says:
A male 21+ that has over sized arms and shoulders that has low or "adjustable" standards. Usually heard uttering the phrase "who am I to deny that hot older broad pleasure?"

A cougar is not born, a cougar is created over time and through lots of training, these women are refered to “Cougars in Training” or CIT’s. A woman in her mid twenties sharpening her skills for when she becomes a Cougar sometime in her mid thirties. CIT’s can be found at bars, clubs, social gatherings, or anywhere young male meat may congregate. They may roam alone or in packs at any given hour. Their levels of sleaze and devil may care attitude are not fully developed and therefore lack the natural instinct that overflows in their competitors, the cougars.

Cougar Drink List
Cosmopolitan
Any kind of fruity “..tini”
Cranberry & Vodka
Michelob Ultra
Cougar Theme Songs (Cougar Movers)
Sweet Caroline
Save a Horse Ride a Cowboy
Jack and Diane
Maneater
I love Rock N Roll
All Night Long
Me and Bobby Mcgee
Bust A Move
Baby Got Back

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