White On White Crime Has To Stop

Sylvania, OH- After a recent altercation involving students from rival high schools in Sylvania, OH a meeting has been called by parents of the two schools. Last Friday following a get together at a house located at 4567 Woodfern Dr on the South end of of Sylvania, 17 year old Mike Smith and 16 year Thomas Alfred Jones III exchanged words in a Tim Hortons parking lot. Witnesses say Mr. Jones was verbally abusive to Mr. Smith by constantly making fun of his 2004 BMW. Mr. Jones reportedly used terms like "white trash" and "low net worth" while insulting the elder Smith. Police were eventually called but arrived too late to see Mr. Jones climb into his 2008 Mercedes Benz and speed off north on Central Avenue. A visibly upset Smith was seen crying into his popped collar Abercrombie polo.

Reports of the incident quickly circulated around town and eventually to the Sylvania School District Offices. A meeting has been scheduled for Monday April 6th at Sylvania Country Club.

Downtown Toledo Regular Finally Earns Bus Ticket Home

Toledo, OH- Vern Maier a truck driver from Hawkins, New Jersey has been stuck in downtown Toledo for the last 5 years. In March of 2004 Mr. Maier was traveling through Toledo via I80 when his truck needed fuel. Rather than stop at one of the many gas stations along the Ohio Turnpike Mr. Maier ventured in to downtown Toledo looking to fill up. While looking for diesel fuel in downtown Toledo Mr. Maier received a call from his mother in St. Paul Minnesota with the devasting news that his father had just passed. Mr. Maier exited his truck to pre-pay for the diesel, upon returning to his truck Mr. Maier discovered that someone had stolen his 1989 Kenworth XL356 18 wheel truck and all of his earthly possessions. All Mr. Maier had left was the $25.32 left in his pocket, which left him just .80 cents short of a greyhound bus ticket to St. Paul. Mr. Maier who could often be seen asking for money around 5/3 Field in the summer as well as the parking lot international park quickly became a local celebrity.

Upon hearing the news of Mr. Maier's success local business owner Rola Harris said

" I knew Mr. Maier pretty well, he used to come into the store here every day and ask for .80 cents, he had the longest story I have ever hear by someone asking for just .80 cents. He would always start off by saying, Hand to god I'm not a bad guy, I never thought he was bad but damn that man was annoying"

Local businessman Dan Weis said "I used to see him outside of Hens games all the time, he was always wearing the same white shirt and black hat, nice guy but he has to get a shorter story" when we informed Mr. Weis of Mr. Maiers success and just how long he had been here Mr. Weis said

"Really? 5 years? damn......5 years for .80 cents? are you sure he didn't work for our local government?"

As happy as we Toledo should be for Mr. Maiers success the grim reality has set in that the local population has dropped by one more person.

Konop Offers To Take Ball And Go Home If Not Elected

Toledo,OH- In an announcement earlier this week, County Commissioner Ben Konop said that he will be running for mayor in the election next fall. Konop, founder of Four Square for Three Square Meals, feels that he can be a candidate that can change this city for the better. When asked his agenda, he replied “It’s not all about four square. I feel we can make difference with a sidewalk chalk exhibition and maybe some type hide and seek type game in the steam plant”. Ben had no further comment on what he wanted to be when he grew up.

-Reg Hanson

Local Hamburger Guy Forced To Look For Real Job

Downtown Toledo, OH- After nearly 40+ years the owner of the an out of business hamburger shop who's lot is used for downtown nightlife has been forced to look for a real job. Following the recent breakdown in negotiations between local downtown businesses and the parking lot owner where he tried to double the rent paid by business owners for use of his parking lot, the lot is now a standard $2, $3 or whatever he feels like charging that night. For the past couple of years the lot was used for patrons of The Blarney Irish Pub, The Ripcord and most recently Pizza Papalis. Upon seeing the success of The Blarney and Pizza Papalis, "The Hamburger Guy" tried to double the rates paid by a group of downtown businesses for use of his lot, after their refusal to do so "The Douche Bag in the Apron" now stands guard in the parking lot on weekends ready to surprise unknowing Toledoeans with this new charge. The Toledo Onion placed 3 calls to the hamburger shop for comment and none were returned. TO reporter Mark Mckay then drove down to the nearly empty parking lot seeking comment. As soon as Mr. Mckay opened his door there he was asking for $3, Mr.Mckay then asked what his plans were for the lot and himself noting the lot was pretty empty for a Friday night.

"Well I've never really had a real job before, I have been living off of my dad and this place pretty much my whole life, I know I tried to rape local businesses out of their money and downtown is really staring to take off and I'm just not going to let that happen. You would think I would want business downtown but I am so disgruntled that I couldn't make the Hamburger shop happen that I plan on taking it out on everyone else. I don't feel that.........."

Then Mr. "Hamburger Shop Guy" ran off charge another car but the car was just turning around.

Toledo Mayor Blames Dog For City Budget Problems

Toledo,OH-

Following a very tense City Council meeting that was scheduled to take place Monday at 2pm, several city council members emerged from council chambers visibly upset with Toledo Mayor Carty Finbeiner. According to sources inside council chambers the purpose of the 2pm meeting was for the Finkbeiner Administration to propose their new 2009 General Fund Budget. Instead, the administration presented the same plan as before which led to interuptions by various City Council members. A 5 minute recess was declared in order to give Mayor Finkbeiner time to finish his shower and come down to council chambers to address the issue. When members of the mayor's staff notified him of councils' request the mayor reportedly threw his Spongebob Square Pants lunch box on the ground, kicked over his Hannah Montana microphone stand, and sat in his favorite Power Rangers chair, arms folded with a scowl on his face and said

"You tell those City Council buttheads that I'm not going down and if they want to talk to me they can text me"

The Mayors staff, which is used to these types of outburts followed 22nd floor protocol and sent the mayors dog Scout in to smooth over the situation. As Scout gently rubbed his cold wet nose on the Mayor's arm the Mayor could be heard repeating

"it's all your fault Scout, it's all your fault"

Scout with the normal puzzled look on his face continued to try to get the mayor to pet him, eventually even Scout gave up and returned to chewing on his favorite squeaky Carty toy.

Eventually at around 3:37 the mayor emerged from his office on the 22nd floor with Scout in tow and informed members of the media that the new budget plan was not created and it was all Scout's fault. The mayor stood firm on his position to cut essential police services, changes to city refuse collection and other various city services. In order to ease the city residents worries the mayor laid out his punishment for scout:

• Only 4 walks by paid city staff per day


• No new bones for a week


• 3 extra kicks to the stomach a day for 3 days


• 1 day in the car with the windows up each month for the months of June-August