Out Of Town Douchebag To Arrive In Town Around 5pm

West Toledo:
James MacRitchie is set to arrive back in Toledo around 5pm this evening, coming from his “totally awesome” loft in downtown Chicago. MacRitchie or J-Mac as he was known in the halls of Ottawa Hills High School has already texted the rest of his douchebag friends and told them to meet him at Arnies at 5:30 because it’s “On like Donkey Kong”

Arnies a favorite hang out of former Ottawa Hills, St. Francis, St. Johns, Northview and Southview students, with a few Whitmer and Start people thrown in for that trashy flavor is preparing for the influx douchebaggery that occurs every year on this night.

“I love working this night” said Ashley Tisdale (24)

“ I totally can’t wait to see all my friends again, ever since High School I have been bouncing around from bar to bar while the rest of my friends went to school and started careers, so we don’t really have much to talk about but since they will be drinking I will be way more interesting” said Monica Sivillon (29)

Adam Markos (34) a local business man is not looking forward to seeing all of his old “friends” from High School.

“I usually see them once or twice throughout out the year at a golf outing here and there but now I’m going to be stuck with them in a bar for god knows how long and it doesn’t matter where I go these guys are everywhere. I’ll be honest though I love running into the broads that were too good for everyone and now they have a kid or two are divorced and way over weight and now no one wants them. That always brings a smile to my face.” said Adam

Stories of High School and how Arnies “used” to be will likely be flowing throughout the night and culminate in the typical late night walk next door to Taco Bell.

Shawnee Nation Set To Take On Raider Nation at BW3’s In Arrowhead Park

Maumee, OH-

An area of land once made famous when an army commanded by Anthony Wayne defeated a force of Shawnees and other tribes in the land now know as Maumee, OH, another battle is brewing. While the original battle took place on wooded land known as Fallen Timbers, this Sunday a battle of epic proportions could possibly once again take place in an area appropriately named Arrowhead Park when the Oakland Raiders take on the Kansas City Chiefs.

Spokesperson for the Shawnee nation, Painted Wolf said:

“Every Sunday we come in here and we see these Raider Nation retards dressed up in their spikey shoulder pads, faces painted, and stupid hats cheering for blood from teams that no one else cares about. Hell, two weeks ago some of our colleagues were in BW’s dressed as Browns fans and these retards were screaming in our faces……..the raiders were playing the freaking San Diego Chargers. There is just no helping these people”

A quick survey of the members of the Shawnee Nation revealed that the majority of them are fans of either the Kansas City Chiefs or the Washington Redskins but there are those that are fans of local teams like the Bengals, Browns and Steelers.

“ There are a few of us that are real Browns fans but some of the others just like to dress up like fans to spy on Raider Nation morons. We all put on our good sweatpants, come to the bar and cheer for every single positive play the Browns make. Sometimes we cheer even if they don’t make a positive play but instead don’t do anything really really bad, it helps us blend in more” Said Lil Black Bear (Aka John)