Ottawa Hills Residents Shocked To Find Real Crime Exists

Ottawa Hills, OH-

Late Tuesday morning a very disturbed man took his wife hostage at Sunset Home, a retirement community located at 4030 Indian Rd. Michael Swiregosz entered the Sunset Retirement Community and took his estranged wife hostage causing area schools and homes to be evacuated. Law enforcement agencies from around the area convened on the sleepy affluent village located in West Toledo. St.Ursula Acedemy, Ottawa Hills High School, Jr. High and Elementary Schools were all evacuated in order to ensure the safety of the students. Linda Madison a resident of 4016 Indian Rd was shocked when she heard what was happening just down the street from her 3 bedroom $500,000.00 ranch home.

“ I heard sirens and I looked out my window and saw lots of police cars and a big truck that said S.W.A.T on the side go past my house, I just couldn’t believe in it. These types of things only happen in the inner city and movies” said Mrs. Madison.

Toledo Police, Lucas County Sheriff, and the Ottawa Hills Police Department were all involved in the 3 hour standoff which ended when Mr. Swiregosz put down his weapon and surrendered to police.

“ I called my husband who was just teeing off at Inverness and told him what was happening. He didn’t believe me at first but after he heard the sirens he came rushing home”- Mrs. Madison

“When I got the call from my wife we had just walked up to the first tee, at first I didn’t believe her. I mean come on this type of thing doesn’t happen this far down Dorr St. I heard the sirens in the background and I jumped in my Lexus and rushed home. Thankfully when I got there the police had him surrounded. I just never though this type of thing would happen in Ottawa Hills. You usually only hear about things like this in rough cities like Sylvania and Perrysburg” said Mr. Madison

According to the most recent crime report released by OHPD only 5 crimes were reported in Ottawa Hills in all of 2008. 3 people were reported to be going 28 mph, one person was stopped for a DUI when they got lost coming out of Arnies. The biggest scare occurred on March 13, 2008 when an east sider actually entered Ottawa Hills to pick up his girlfriend from St. Ursula.

As the standoff ended Ottawa Hills residents were relieved to find that no one was hurt and vowed to build a wall around their village to keep all of these working folks out.

TOLEDO ONION EXCLUSIVE: Local Stripper Admits She Is Not Paying For College

Toledo, OH-

In an exclusive interview with Stephanie Samson (Aka: Sinderella) a stripper at Deja Vu Gentlemans Club, she admits that despite 5 years of telling customers she is just trying to pay for college it was all a lie.

Toledo Onion: So Why the change of heart Stephanie, I'm sorry......Sinderella?

SS: It's ok, you can call me Stephanie, when the lights come on and the glitter comes off I'm just Stephanie the little girl from Sylvania, OH

TO: So why the change of heart?

SS: Well for the last 5 years I feel like I've been living a lie, night after night while grinding against the crotches of numerous married men, dirty bikers, and 18 year old boys that can get wood at the sniff of my white rain shampoo I just feel the need to come clean.

TO: How did you get involved in stripping?

SS: Actually I prefer to call it performing.

TO: Lets be honest.....The Nutcracker is a performance, you're a stripper....continue.

SS: Well one night when I was 18 me and some of my friends (we had fake ID's) went to a bar up on Alexis and they were having a wet T-shirt contest and I entered. It was me, Kathy the waitress who has been there for like 25 years, some biker chick, some girl that was just singing Karaoke and didn't get off stage and some drunk fat guy. Well needless to say at 18 years old I won hands down. It was then that I realized that I really had something special. Well I went home that night and turned on BET Uncut.........you know the almost porn music videos on late at night........well I just watched like 5 of those videos and I figured I could do it. The following Wednesday after much discussion with my new friends from the bar, Rocco, Harley, Charlie, and Vince (all Iron Coffins), I came up here for Amateur Night and I was hooked.

It was the first time I ever won anything and the attention along with the $50 I won gave me a high like never before. Ricky the manager said I could be a big star just from the looks of him I knew he was right. I mean who wouldn't trust a guy with slicked back hair and more gold chains than Mr. T. You don't get all that not being able to recognize true talent.

TO: So after you got hired, then what?

SS: Well after I got hired I spent the next 3 weeks trying to build my client base and avoid fights with the other girls in the dressing room.

TO: Client base?

SS: Ohhh yeah for sure, I like to think of myself as someone similar to a finance person, which is why I planned on enrolling in college for finance. I was the highest grossing dancer by my second month. I had all the regulars, and was actually starting to get my name out their on the Bachelor Party circuit.

TO: Bachelor Party circuit?

SS: Ohhh yeah for sure, its very cutthroat out there, you have to be at the top of your game to not only make it but to stay on it. Trust me one drunk bachelor and his 10 free loading friends are very picky, they only want the hottest girls to embarrass their friend and scam the group out of all their money.

Plus I had so many offers from these guys, it was awesome. One guy offered to buy me Lexus, another offered to take me to Hawaii, and one even said he would marry me right there on the spot. I couldn't believe it, I mean he had only known me for like 2 songs, it was a 2 for 1 special, but I think he thought I cut him a deal.....He he he he he.

TO: So where did the college part come into play?

SS: Well once I had all this money I figured I better know how to save it and spend it, I mean you can only buy so many G-Strings and clear heels, after a while you need to save for important things, like spinning rims for my neon, a new Louis Vuitton purse that one of my customers said he could get me really cheap or even something like my own pole to practice at home, which really could be a tax write off since it's for my business. So I was looking at the UT catalog one day in between sets and..........................................................................

Just then a voice boomed over the speakers

"Gentleman next on the main stage, put your hands together for Sinderellllllllllllaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!"

To Be Continued.........

UT Student May Have Contracted Swine Flu on Spring Break

Toledo, OH, UT Campus: The Student Health Center at The University of Toledo has recently reported that Jennifer Franklin a Pre-Med Major and member of Delta Delta Delta may have contracted swine flu while on vacation in Cancun, Mexico. It was reported that Ms. Franklin returned from vacation and felt fine but recently has had an upset stomach, running nose, a fever and "itching". Ms. Franklin reportedly had no contact with any swine or animals while on vacation and in fact consumed so much alcohol in one week that any possible virus would have been killed almost immediatley. Despite these factors Ms. Franklin is convinced it's Swine Flu.

"She like totally has it, I would know I'm in Bio 103, she has like a running nose and stuff and she like has been really sick at breakfast and um she like........ don't tell anyone but it burns when she pees" said Becky Dynex

Ms. Franklin is still waiting for the final results of her Swine Flu test to come back but it has been reported that she attended Ladies Night at Chasers last Wednesday and was seen doing the Walk of Shame Thursday morning across the parking lot of Rocket Hall.

General Motors To Have Bake Sale

Detroit, MI –

In an unprecedented move by a major corporation, General Motors has decided to host a bake sale on May 1, 2009 to raise capital needed to keep the company afloat. Industry experts heralded the move as “genius”, saying “if it can pay for an entire Little League, why can’t it work for what was once the largest corporation in the world?” GM explains this new capital strategy by referencing millions of times people have used Bake Sales to help people in dire financial straits. “ If a community can have a Bake Sale and re-build someone’s burned down home and replace all of their possessions with the proceeds, why can’t GM do the same?” GM sources were also quick to point out that if the Bake Sale idea pans out they will be coming after the bread and butter of cash raising – Girl Scout Cookies. “Hey, you never see the Girl Scouts needing cash, those cookies are good and they sell like legal crack, and we want in on that cash cow, you can bet your sweet ass you’ll be seeing GM Cookies all over the place.” When asked why doesn’t GM doesn’t just produce quality vehicles at a fair price to keep the company afloat, we were told “we feel the Bake Sale idea is a better way to go for the company.”





-Bill Brasky

Mud Hens Opening Day Poll

Downtown Toledo:

10%-Are still trying to cash out their tab at the Blarney and Pizza Papalis
7% - Are lost on 1 way streets
11% -Got in line for the bathroom and missed the whole game
9% - Felt that 4 Souvenir Mud Hens Cups make an excellent wedding gift
4% - Said they may have punched a mayoral candidate
13% - Signed a petition that they have no idea what it was for
5% - Never sat in their seat
6% - Asked us where they parked
37%- Could not tell us the score or for that matter who the Hens Played

Nurses Excited About Police Layoffs

Toledo, OH:

Due to the recent announcement of massive budget cuts and layoffs in the Toledo Police Department many citizens are concerned about the possibility of an increase in crime. However, nurses at St. Vincent's Medical Center are looking forward to the possibility of an increase in business. Julia Jackson a third shift Charge Nurse says the entire nursing staff is excited that they might have to treat "real" cases.

" After a while you just get bored with kids with broken bones, and black eyes from bar fights, every once in while you need a good stabbing or a multiple gunshot to walk, crawl, or be wheeled through the door" said Ms. Jackson

According to medical records the number of gun shot and stab wounds has risen slightly in recent months but most of that is attributed to the recent warmer weather. With these budget cuts and summer approaching crime should hit an all new high and without the threat of police involvement criminals will have more time to assault their victims.

Charles Dawson a local drug dealer (Street Pharmacist) and home invasion expert is equally excited about the budget cuts.

" In the past if someone stiffed me on a drug deal I'd either have to plan my retaliation or quickly assault them and get out of there before the five O's rolled up on me. Now I can really fuck someone up and get my money back right on the spot" said Mr. Dawson

"Hell I might even start assaulting random people on the street for they wallets and whatever else they gots" added Mr. Dawson

According to Ms. Jackson crimes like those committed by Mr. Dawson are usually the type that produce the best cases for the nurses.

"It really gets you going when your shift starts to drag and an innocent person is brought through the door with their face slashed from ear to mouth, a deep cut in the femoral artery and then when you find out they have massive head trauma it just makes your night. The best part though is when you have to tell the family of innocent victims about their injuries, it just makes you as a nurse feel good"

Doctors are excited about the increase in business as well. Between drags of his cigarette Dr. Gregory Watson a Pulmonary and Respiratory specialist said

" Lately its been the normal lung cancer type of cases, it's been awhile since we have had a collapsed lung due to a random shooting, those are our favorite up here, it really makes have to think on your feet"

Mayoral Race Producing Heros Every Week

Toledo, OH:

Showing that he will not be outdone in his bid for mayor, Republican Candidate Jim Moody has placed himself on the same level as former Fire Chief and fellow candidate Mike Bell.

In the early morning hours of Monday April 6th Jim Moody stopped at a local BP only to find 18 year old Darren Wilkins holding a gun to cashier Jill Williams. Upon entering the store Mr. Moody saw the events unfolding and ran our screaming like a little girl, as he reached his car he remembered he was running for mayor and the allure of votes took him back into the store and right into the face of danger. As Mr. Moody approached the 18 yr old Wilkins and tried to talk the youngster out of store, Mr. Wilkins turned and pointed the gun at Mr. Moody.

"I'm not going to lie, I was scared but even with the gun in my face I reached down and rubbed my WWBD (What Would Bell Do) bracelet and that gave me all the courage I needed" said Moody.

As Mr. Wilkins demanded Mr. Moody step back the 47 years old Williams fled the store and called 911. Mr. Moody then disarmed the gunman with a quick kick to the shins and chop to the foreman. As the gun slid to the floor a scared Mr. Wilkins fled the scene.

Mr. Moody waited around for 4 1/2 hours for the police to arrive but unfortunately due to budget cuts Toledo Police response time has been increased to anywhere between 36 and 48 hours.

Showcase Cinemas Offer Stimulus Package

Maumee, OH: Movie patron Alex Ducard took full advantage on Friday night of upgrading his soda for just a quarter more when seeing Monsters vs Aliens this past weekend.

“I felt that finally the theater is giving back,I nearly doubled the size of my drink for a mere fraction of the cost.” said Mr. Ducard

Melissa Whitney, a Showcase Cinemas employee, stated that it was company policy to make the offer but insists that it still feels good to be able to help out.

“I know the drinks are mostly ice and they cost the same price as a twelve pack but I know that the customer is going to be happy with the decision in the end.”

According to Economist Dr. Albert McClure the amount of time you spend in the restroom after drinking the entire 87 ounce cup of soda actually puts you at a loss for the amount of movie you have missed. When informed of Dr. McClures analysis, Brian Gurzynski of Showcase Cinemas said the popular theatre chain does have a plans to introduce a new "Catheter and Bag" combo.

This device is scheduled for release in Winter of 2010, moviegoers will be able to purchase the device at the same counter as the rest of the snacks. Patrons are encouraged to simply remove the catheter following the movie and leave the tube and the bag on the floor for theatre staff to dispose of.

Mr. Ducard was excited to hear the news of the catheter and bag combo and stated he has a new found respect for the movie theatre industry.

"after years of inflated ticket prices, over charging for stale popcorn, flat soda and melted chocolate treats, it's nice to see companies like Showcase coming back around the the consumers side" said Mr. Ducard

When ask if he had any additional ideas Mr. Ducard offered:

"perhaps they could validate bus tickets or have some special kind of "movie bus pass" thing, I love coming to the movies, it's an escape from reality, however ever since the release of "The Dark Knight" I have not been able to make a car payment. It's amazing how far one night at the movies can set you back"

-Reg Hanson

City of Toledo Cuts Fire Budget, Gives Out Hoses.

Toledo, OH: In a response to the recent City of Toledo Fire Department budget cuts Toledo Mayor Carty Finkbeiner has announced that everyone in the city limits will receive a 50 foot garden hose with nozzle. The city has estimated that this will save the city approximately $70.53, and will not have any impact on balancing the city's budget. When asked where the administration came up with the idea the Mayor's spokesman Jason Weber said

"the Mayor was playing Sim City and it worked in Carty Land so it has to work in Toledo"

Members of the mayor's staff have confirmed that the majority of the decisions made by this administration have been a implemented and tested in the popular computer game Sim City. Stephen Williams the former Director of Parks and Recreation was asked about his experiences dealing with the 22nd floor and mentioned that back in his day during the first Reich of Carty decisions were based off of games like Candyland, Life, Chutes and Ladders and the always popular Monopoly.

There will be a formal training for the garden hoses held at Erie Street Market on June 2nd, There will also be additional training for the homeless on June 3rd, when each homeless person will be issued a bucket and be encourage to roam the city putting out fires. No word on when the City will start to issue guns to help with the Police budget cuts.

LEVIS COMMONS BARS NOW OFFERING HOME EQUITY LOANS TO PAY BAR TABS

Perrysburg, OH-In an effort to help patrons pay their bar tabs, both Bar Louie and Fast Fish Blue in Levis Commons, will now have Mortgage Lenders on site each night to offer Home Equity loans. This outstanding idea came to the Managers of these establishments after seeing countless customers go broke after only 1 round of drinks.

“To see the looks on these customers faces when they realize they are out of money is just heartbreaking, we had to do something.”

When asked about this innovative new practice, the following explanation was given:

“In an effort to help people in this struggling economy we felt it was prudent to assist them in financing an evening of drinking. It helps the customers in that they can now afford 3, maybe even 4 rounds of drinks, and of course we are able to make some additional money off them by the way of interest charges on their loans, it’s a win, win for all. And if they don’t pay the loan back we get a new party house for after hours, we’re talking some pretty sweet digs here in Perrysburg. Just ask either of the 2 bartenders, 15-20 minutes from now when they decide to serve you, and they’ll let you know which repossessed house the party is at tonight.”

-Bill Brasky

Local Douchebag Realizes He is 35 and Should Act Like It

Maumee, OH- In a starting realization late Tuesday evening 35 year old James Collins realized that he is indeed 35 and should stop acting like a total douchebag. This startling event happened while Mr. Collins was sitting in Jeds Bar and Grille trying to hit on the very attractive 19-23 yr old waitresses. Mr. Collins, clad in his new one size too small Affliction shirt with the sleeves rolled up to reveal his new barbed wire armband tattoo was seen by fellow patrons using cheesey pick up lines on the young attractive females.

"Do you know Karate? because you're body is really kickin" Mr. Collins said as server Angela DeSilvo walked by.

Mr. Collins then quickly turned around on his bar stool and said

"Are you religious? because you're the answer to all my prayers" to bartender Natalie Garcia.

Ms. Garcia gave a quick snicker and turned away as she rolled her eyes in total disgust. Watching this very unsettling event occur were patrons Jim Ortel and Lance Scott. When asked about the incident Mr. Ortel said:

"the whole night was like watching a train wreck, at first you get really annoyed with a guy like that and then you think about the situation and you really just feel sorry for him"

Mr. Collins continued on his mission with classic lines like:

"Hello. Cupid called. He says to tell you that he needs my heart back"

"Is that a keg in your pants? Because I'd love to tap that ass"

"Can I take your picture? Because I want Santa to know exactly what I want for Christmas"

"You be the Dairy Queen and I'll be your Burger King: You treat me right, and I'll do it your way"

Mr. Collins then turned to unsuspecting patron Scott Beach, slapped him on the back and said

"Am I dead? Cause this must be heaven"

Mr. Beach, not wanting to make Mr. Collins think he had any desire to talk to him gave a quick smirk and a "Ha Ha yeah" in response.

Not getting the reactions Mr. Collins was hoping for from the young ladies he decided he would pull out his grand slam on the very attractive Ashley Gorski. As Mr. Collins watched Ms. Gorski round the corner of the bar with a tray of food he gave a quick wink to Mr. Beach and said "watch this" as he motioned Ms. Gorski over.

"I'm a Love Pirate, and I'm here for your booty! ARRRGGGHHH!!!" Mr. Collins said.

After a brief yet awkward pause Ms. Gorski looked Mr. Collins up and down twice, gave a puzzled look and broke out in laughter. As the very loud and squeaky laughter garnered the attention of the rest of the bar and with the entire crowd of 32 people staring at Mr. Collins, Ms. Gorski said

"Really? your like old enough to be my dad or something"

As Ms. Gorski walked back to the kitchen and the rest of the patrons snickered and laughed at Mr. Collins expense he turned back to is Heineken and asked for his tab. As Mr. Collins exited the bar a quick sigh of relief came from bar staff and patrons alike.

It is reported that Mr. Collins then went home and worked out to his favorite P90x video and realized that he has never had any game and never will.

Leprechaun's Union May Threaten Good Times at The Blarney

Downtown Toledo, OH- News today came from the Leprechauns Union that en passé has been reached between The Blarney (a popular downtown night spot) management and the 4 Clovers chapter of the Leprechauns Union. Billy O’ Malley has stated that they may have to walk out on owner Eddie Bazinski.

“I know that he followed the rainbow and found me pot o’ gold but what we are going through here is a living hell. He made everybody work St. Patrick’s Day. I mean if its one day I want off, its gonna be that day”.

The Leprechauns unionized in late 2007 and the good times have rolled on since but this week things took a turn for the worse when Patches O’ Sullivan got into a verbal altercation with the owner.

“Patches was upset because we have hired some new staff here and he felt they were not “Irish” enough. I merely recommended he let it go”

Owner Eddie Bazinski said. Patches couldn’t though.

“For God’s sake the new guy told me to have a” G’Day mate”, I mean come on, we got Crocodile fucking Dundee working in here now, next we’ll be serving bloomin’ onions”.

Further talks are set for next week in the mean time it will be business as usual for Eddie B.

“We should be able to work this out and if not I’ll save a lot of money on my Lucky Charms bill.”
-Reg Hanson

Stay tuned to the Toledo Onion for all the details