Maumee, OH- In a starting realization late Tuesday evening 35 year old James Collins realized that he is indeed 35 and should stop acting like a total douchebag. This startling event happened while Mr. Collins was sitting in Jeds Bar and Grille trying to hit on the very attractive 19-23 yr old waitresses. Mr. Collins, clad in his new one size too small Affliction shirt with the sleeves rolled up to reveal his new barbed wire armband tattoo was seen by fellow patrons using cheesey pick up lines on the young attractive females.
"Do you know Karate? because you're body is really kickin" Mr. Collins said as server Angela DeSilvo walked by.
Mr. Collins then quickly turned around on his bar stool and said
"Are you religious? because you're the answer to all my prayers" to bartender Natalie Garcia.
Ms. Garcia gave a quick snicker and turned away as she rolled her eyes in total disgust. Watching this very unsettling event occur were patrons Jim Ortel and Lance Scott. When asked about the incident Mr. Ortel said:
"the whole night was like watching a train wreck, at first you get really annoyed with a guy like that and then you think about the situation and you really just feel sorry for him"
Mr. Collins continued on his mission with classic lines like:
"Hello. Cupid called. He says to tell you that he needs my heart back"
"Is that a keg in your pants? Because I'd love to tap that ass"
"Can I take your picture? Because I want Santa to know exactly what I want for Christmas"
"You be the Dairy Queen and I'll be your Burger King: You treat me right, and I'll do it your way"
Mr. Collins then turned to unsuspecting patron Scott Beach, slapped him on the back and said
"Am I dead? Cause this must be heaven"
Mr. Beach, not wanting to make Mr. Collins think he had any desire to talk to him gave a quick smirk and a "Ha Ha yeah" in response.
Not getting the reactions Mr. Collins was hoping for from the young ladies he decided he would pull out his grand slam on the very attractive Ashley Gorski. As Mr. Collins watched Ms. Gorski round the corner of the bar with a tray of food he gave a quick wink to Mr. Beach and said "watch this" as he motioned Ms. Gorski over.
"I'm a Love Pirate, and I'm here for your booty! ARRRGGGHHH!!!" Mr. Collins said.
After a brief yet awkward pause Ms. Gorski looked Mr. Collins up and down twice, gave a puzzled look and broke out in laughter. As the very loud and squeaky laughter garnered the attention of the rest of the bar and with the entire crowd of 32 people staring at Mr. Collins, Ms. Gorski said
"Really? your like old enough to be my dad or something"
As Ms. Gorski walked back to the kitchen and the rest of the patrons snickered and laughed at Mr. Collins expense he turned back to is Heineken and asked for his tab. As Mr. Collins exited the bar a quick sigh of relief came from bar staff and patrons alike.
It is reported that Mr. Collins then went home and worked out to his favorite P90x video and realized that he has never had any game and never will.
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