BCSN Wins Bid To Cover Cornhole Game at Mikes House.

Toledo, OH-

BCSN the leader and only local sports station in the greater Toledo area has won the exclusive rights to cover and broadcast the corn hole game at Mikes annual “Hamburgers, Chips, BYOB, Hot Dogs, BBQ, Solo Cups, Potatoe Salad and Bikini’s Backyard Extravaganza 2009”.

Mike Bettman a life long Toledoan and backyard party host extraordinaire received a letter back in December of 2008 from Block Communications asking for serious consideration in being the exclusive carrier for the upcoming 2009 blowout.

“When I got the letter I wasn’t surprised, my parties are legendary from the 1300-1900 block of Pinnacle St. Everyone knows that every year on the 3rd weekend in June this is the place to be”

BCSN a major supporter of High School athletics has decided to broaden their coverage of local events in the past year

“After High School football and basketball seasons are over it’s really hard to fill all of our time slots. We try to sprinkle in the occasional re-runs of curling and broomball games but only the real barn burners, and once we fill those slots we can only show so much of the amazing talent that is The Coach Tom Cole”, a BCSN spokesperson said

It is no secret around Toledo that the number one rated time slot for BCSN is between the hours of 2am and 5am when girl’s high school beach volleyball is broadcast. BCSN claims 77% of the market share in the “Dirty Old Man” demographic, trailed only by FOX Sports Net re run’s of the Hooters International Bikini Contest.

According to Mr. Bettman the bidding process was much tougher than he expected, with 4 bids to decide between the decision was not easy.

“Between BCSN, my neighbors Iphone, Jerry from down the street and Don one of my buddies from bowling it was a tough call. I eventually decided on BCSN under the condition that Tom Cole was not allowed anywhere near my house for commentating” Said Mr. Bettman

“This year is huge for my party, I have been rocking out since 1986 and they just keep getting better and better and I don’t know how much higher I can go. I have invited some of the neighborhood high schoolers this year because someone needs to teach these kids the art that is the backyard party.

Toledo Blade To Move To Comic Book Style Format

Toledo, OH- As the automotive industry collapses, printing cost rise and more and more people move towards the internet for their daily dose of information, the Toledo Blade has made the decision to stop their long track record of faulty reporting and mis- representation on local issues and move to a comic book format.

The Toledo Blade which claims to be “One of Americas Great Newspapers” has long been the go to source of information for Toledo area residents, it has long outlasted smaller upstarts like the Toledo News Bee and has survived with smaller papers like the Journal, City Paper, La Prensa, El Tiempo, etc. However, due to the ever increasing popularity of The Toledo Free Press and the rise in printing costs coupled with the lack of reporting skills and slower ad sales the Blade will only print Maumee Dearest and the once a day political cartoon by Kirk.

A letter from The Toledo Blade read:

“ The Toledeo Blade will move to a Comik Book style format beginning August 1st. We feel this new format will bring something new to Toledo and with the departure of Maryor Finkkbeiner we will not longer have someone guiding our story ideas. With the success of The Toledo Free Press and the obvious staying power of this internet thing, we feel we can contribute more to the Toledo area by provding very unfunny cartoons”

Scout Nervous About Upcoming Summer Months

Toledo, OH- Toledo Mayor Carty Finkbeiners’ beloved dog scout is terrified of the upcoming summer months and the very real possibility of the Mayor leaving him in the car with the windows rolled up. In a number of well publicized incidents over the last few years Mayor Carty Finkbeiner has left his loyal canine in the car with the windows up for hours on end.

Scout who is usually seen being walked around downtown Toledo by paid city workers said

“I know he has said he won’t do it again but every time we get in the car I wonder if this will be my last car ride, you just never know with this guy”

“I hear about all the dog fighting rings around Toledo and sometimes I’d rather be in a pit in a basement fighting for my life rather than just running down to the corner store with Carty”

Mayor Finkbeiner who participated in a Toledo Humane Society PSA after his last incident has sworn to be more attentive when riding with Scout. In a much publicized event last August Mayor Finkbeiner left Scout in the car while running with the air on, illegally parked outside a “Green” event.

“Even with the air running it still gets hot, the man is just evil. He once told me “it’s a good thing you’re fixed because if you had puppies I’d kick every one of them”. Thank god there are no baby seals in the Maumee, I have no doubt he would be out their clubbing them on a daily basis “, said Scout

Former Toledo Resident Claims Tornado Did Not Sound Like a Freight Train

Tupelo, MS- Former Toledo resident David Byers moved to Tupelo last year after the decline in the automotive market started to get serious. Mr. Byers a graduate of Bowsher High School secured a roofing job with a local firm and was excited by his new opportunity.

“I have always been really handy and I figured what a better place to get a roofing job than Tornado Alley” said Byers

That all changed around 1:30 pm on Tuesday April 28th. An F4 Tornado ripped through the modest subdivision of Willow Woods; the twister moved cars and ripped houses to pieces

“I was in my garage getting tools for the next job when the skies turned black and I looked out of my garage and saw the twister coming straight for me. My original reaction was to run to the basement but when I arrived in MS they told me you have to run around and chase the storms because you never know when you could end up on one of those Extreme Video shows on TNT or Spike., and once you’re on that you’re a star at the local diner for the rest of the storm season”

The storm had already made its way through 3 other towns and clean up was already under way as TV crews converged on the scene.

“After the storm there were reporters everywhere looking for an interview but no one wanted to hear what I had to say. The first reporter said I wasn’t good for TV because I had all of my teeth, the second said I didn’t have a beer in my hand or a NASCAR shirt on so I wasn’t able to be on TV. Then, when the third asked me what it sounded like and I said a convoy of semi trucks she nearly punched me and said she was going to report me to Sheriff Thompson” said Byers

F4 Tornados which are just behind F5’s in severity are often compared to the sound of a freight train coming down the tracks.

When asked if he would be consider moving back to Toledo after this recent event Mr. Byers said

“Are you kidding me? Between no police, the mayor throwing cups at people, unemployment, gangs, and an irregular garbage pick up schedule………I’ll take my chances here in Tornado Alley”

Reg Hanson: Enough is Enough (Opinion)

Your friends do not want to play your Nintendo Wii anymore

Last Friday night there was a party at Michael Wayne’s house and no one came.
The reason: The Nintendo Wii.

Once thought to be the life of the party everyone is tired of Bowling, Tennis and whatever the hell else is on that disc. I know that it was a blast to get up there and watch Grandma make a complete jackass of herself trying to bowl or it was awkward to see your buddy’s girlfriend doing the Hula Hoop on the Wii Fit Balance Board. It was a wild ride and everyone had some laughs but its time to stop focusing your entire party on it.

Find something else to do and no this does mean switch to Guitar Hero or its brother Rock Band. That’s all we need is some of your asshole friend trying to bang the sticks on the drum, the cool guy guitaring and finding someone drunk enough to sing. Lets try to get back to basics and get a deck of cards for a game of asshole and who doesn’t like a good game of Beer Pong. So let’s put the Wii mote down and focus on having a good party for a change.

TOLEDO ONION EXCLUSIVE: Police Layoffs

In a late breaking development the Toledo Onion has received the letter that Mayor Finkbeiner has sent to the Toledo Police Patrolmans Union.



Dear Scum Sucker:

These are the concessions that the City of Toledo would like to see the Police Department take to keep all Police Officers working:

1. Replace tazers with (2) 9-volt batteries that they can have the criminals lick
2. Institute a “bring it back on full” policy. Just like when you were 16 and borrowed the car.
3. The morning shift deliver the Toledo Blade while on patrol
4. Sell sponsorships for the side of the cars and patches for the uniforms. Who wouldn’t like to be pulled over by Toft’s Ice Cream Police Car?
5. Officers will use Mud Hens Mini-bats instead of batons
6. Horses from the mounted patrol will be raced at Raceway Park to earn extra revenue.
7. Bike Patrol will now be year round (even in the winter months)
8. Police Training will now be done with Call of Duty: World at War on the Playstation 3

9. Mounted Patrol will carry lasso's in place of firearms.

10. Officers will sell confiscated drugs back to the dealers, thereby creating a constant stream of extra revenue

This a take it or leave it kind of policy. If you don’t accept it I will continue to bash you in the media and not bring Amy’s famous potato salad to the Police Picnic.

Sincerely yours,

His Highness:
Carty

Toledo: Come for the Criminal Activity, stay for the faulty leadership.

Konop Calls For Citizens To Step Up

Toledo, OH- Mayoral candidate Ben Konop who made waves with his suggestion for refuse collectors to act as neighborhood watch dogs while performing their regular dutys has called upon another group.

Mr. Konop has called upon recent graduates of the decades old Safe-T-City program to step up and do their part.

Safe-T-City is a child pedestrian and traffic safety program combined with a life safety course. This program is conducted for children entering kindergarten in the up-coming school year. Safe-T-City includes classroom instruction and outdoor practice in a miniature city complete with streets, sidewalks, small buildings, traffic lights and stop signs.

The children are assigned to classes (no more than 18 children per class) with a certified instructor. During the 20 hour course the children learn, through participation, in a setting of simulated real-life situations. Guest speakers from different community agencies help the children learn through songs, poems, art projects, stories and movies. Police officers teach pedestrian safety on the streets of Safe-T-City. The different lessons provide an enjoyable learning experience.

“I believe it’s never to early to start these kids on law enforcement techniques. Currently I’m trying to secure funding that will expand the program to include undercover surveillance techniques, self defense, and firearms training.” Said Mr. Konop.

5/3 Field Shocked At Spike In Beer Sales

Downtown Toledo- Officials at 5/3 Field are surprised at the recent spike in beer sales during the two school day games held Monday and Wednesday this week. School day games being at 10:30 and allow school kids of all ages to attend games in lieu of their regular class time.

“At first we thought maybe the parents and chaperones of the kids were drinking heavily in order to cope with chasing these little shits around and having them “scream for some ice cream” every 5 minutes” said Food & Beverage Manager Jason Dura

Beer sales spiked a whopping 14% on Monday and 9% on Wednesday.

Timmy O’Brien a 4th grader at Shoreland Elementary said:
“There’s nothing like coming to the ball park and grabbing a couple of beers with the boys and watching the girls climb around on the playground in centerfield. It’s the perfect set up for us kids, we can’t drive and we took a bus down here, we have chaperones to make sure we don’t get hit by a car as we stumble back to the bus and with the recent police lay offs there aren’t enough cops around to watch us, it’s great”

Students all over could be seen drinking beers out of “Sippy cups” and the regular beer cups for those that were strong enough to hold them.

“We look forward to these games all school year, we plan for it, I ate a lot of bread last night just so my body would have something to soak up all the beer I knew I was going to drink today, there’s nothing worse than trying to finger paint hung over” said Brian Ducatt a kindergartner at Glendale Fielbach Elementary.

Some of the older students have their own reasons for looking forward to the Hens day games, while some do enjoy a good baseball game others have a greater need for the day.

Brian Johnson a 6th grader at Walker Elementary said:
“It’s the end of the year and Becky Williams has been chasing me the whole school year and I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I mean look at her. So since I’m going off to Jr. High next year and there is only a week or so left of school I figured what the hell. Now I just have to drink that poor thing pretty”

Despite the stigma that comes with having school kids getting drunk at Mud Hens games officials say there is no intention of stepping up enforcement, in this economy every dollar counts.